A Very Crump Christmas- 2014

This was the gift Simon had been hoping for. Can you tell?

 The cats were part of the fun too.

Simon with his plethora of Legos.

Simon was given a chess set for Christmas. He's had a great time learning to play and, last night, asked, "Can I sleep with my lucky pawn? The one that won the game?"
Here is is, shaking hands after a chess match. Simon won his very first game!

          Merry Christmas from The Crumps!

Batman's Downfall

Talking about Batman with Jeff, Simon said, "I have a theory about Alfred: I think he's secretly plotting Batman's downfall."
Jeff queried, "Why do you think that?"
Simon answered, "Because Alfred doesn't do his job with much pep."
Hahaha!

Simon: "I think Christmas already happened and you didn't tell me!"
Me: "Why would you say that?"
Simon: "Look! No one is outside, talking about Christmas!"
Me: "Buddy, it's Monday. Everyone is at work."
Simon: "Exactly!"

Simon: "I'm Dictator and Tyrant ["tyrant" said as two separate words] of the Lazy Club. Do you want to join? It stands for "Lazy, Awesome, ZZZZ, and You". "

Me: "Pretty soon you'll be able to get together with some of your friends and discuss fine literature."
Simon: "And talk about books!"

Simon: "Mom, when we shop for Dad, can I explore the wonders of the mall?"

I took Simon to McDonalds which, naturally, spawned a conversation about quality products. Simon said, "I'm glad I got the head gear spy toy instead of the watch. The watch looked like it was poor quality. It probably wouldn't last two minutes in the jungle."

Castor Oil

Simon: "I'm not afraid of little kids anymore. Some of them are actually pretty cute."

Simon: "How come there aren't any presents under the tree?" (He knows he got some from Grandma).
Me: "Because we don't want the cats to eat them. They'll be under the tree on Christmas morning."
Simon: "We can just give the cats castor oil to get the presents back."
Me: "Ew! They'll be all pukey!"
Simon: "I don't care."

Simon: "Did you just hiccup?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "I'm very perceptive."

Simon: "People can give me five cents, and I'll give them a compliment, and when I have enough money I can buy something to give to someone."

Simon: "Can we send some of Tim's sal-via to a scientist so we can figure out what kind of breed he is?"

Smoothies

Simon went on a play date and to look at a parade of trees with some friends.

Simon, wearing a Darth Vader mask, asked, "How does Vader brush his teeth?"
Me: "Either he takes his helmet off, or he has really bad breath."
Simon: "Wait- how does he eat?"
Me: "Smoothies."
Vader: "That's probably why he doesn't look so healthy."

Scamps was sneezing over and over. I jokingly said, "I think Scamps is allergic to life," to which Simon answered, "I think she's allergic to her own self consciousness!"

Simon was on the swing the other day. He told someone that he was "aerodynamic".

Brazil

Simon has a chance to decorate a Christmas or Hanukkah scene with sticker at the library today. He chose the Hanukkah because he thinks the Star of David stickers resemble ninja throwing stars.

Simon, introducing himself today: "Hi! My name is Simon and I'm Christian."
His new buddy only heard half of that and called Simon "Christian" the whole time.

Simon: "Tim is so irresistible!"
Me: "I think you're pretty irresistible."
Simon: "Not as irresistible as Scamps. She's the most irresistible!"

Simon found out that his friend will be going to North Carolina during his birthday. Simon looked at him and said earnestly, "I think you should go to Brazil. I've heard it's really fun! They even have this rain forest called The Amazon."

Simon, to his friend: "I was born in Utah: I don't even know how I learned English!", then to me, "Mom? What language do they speak in Utah?"

Creepy Musicals

Watching a commercial for the TV Peter Pan production I said, "If they wanted a girl to play Peter Pan, they might have looked for someone less pretty."
Simon answered, "It's a musical. It's supposed to look creepy."
Hahaha!

Simon: "I was talking with Dad in the car the other day, a serious man to man talk. He said that to make a girl feel special you should listen to hear what she likes and try some of those things. It's lifelong training. It helps me to select the right girlfriend."

Simon has requested chips and salsa for dessert. He's just like Dad.

Simon: "The Grinch just needs some coffee."

The Invention of Pockets

Simon, talking to Jeff about me: "Let's get something for your mom."
Jeff: "She's your mom, buddy. She's my wife."
Simon: "Well, you don't have to hog her!"

Simon: "Did you invent pockets?"
Jeff: "No, they've been around for a long time. They're really useful."
Simon: "Well, who did invent them? Einstein?"

Simon: "You're really good at multi-tasking."
Me: "Thanks."
Simon: "So is Dad. But I'm not. I can't write and build Legos at the same time."

Simon came trotting into the room this morning, gave us hugs, and said, "So, who's my favorite parents?...Can I play video games today?"

We were eating leftover Thanksgiving food for dinner. Jeff asked Simon what he wanted and Simon said just corn and turkey. Jeff jokingly grabbed a huge piece of turkey and said, "Here you go!", to which Simon responded, "Ugh! Forget it! I'm a vegetarian! Wait, wait, no a vegetarian. What's the type of atarian that only eats junk food? I'm a junkaterian!"

Simon: "I know some wise sayings: "A bird in the hand us worth two in the bush", "It's better to give than to receive", "Do or do not. There is no try", "To ride a helicopter, first you must train." "

The Most Intersting Man in the World

Today Simon asked when Christmas is. I told him that it's after Thanksgiving, and then clarified that it's a month after Thanksgiving. After that, I told him that when I was young I asked when Thanksgiving was and my parents said it was after Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving I woke up sobbing because Christmas hadn't happened. I told Simon that Grandma should have clarified. Simon said, sounding scandalized, "I can't believe she did that! Grandma should apologize!"
Ha ha ha!

Simon: "Mom, you're Princess Leia. You need to change into a white dress."
Me: "I don't have a white dress."
Simon: "That's okay, you can be Slave Leia. Just take your shirt off and wear that thing you wash. A bro?"

Simon saw a picture of Tchaikovsky and said, "He looks like that one guy in those commercials. The most interesting man in the world."

Simon: "I'm dragging. I need some coffee. Or an iced chai."

Simon: "When you color, do you try not to scribble scrabble?"
Me: "Yup."
Simon, laughing: "Me too! We are so much alike!"

Simon, while eating dinner: "Well, I'm full. Can I have dessert?"

What Are You?

Simon, earlier this morning, said, "I'm going to go see if the cats did anything bad."
He came running back in and reported, "They did something bad. In their litter box!"

Simon: "Some people have one friend. God gave me so many friends, it's like I'm famous or something!"

Simon: "When you're not being a mom, what are you?"
Me: "Well, I'm always a mom."
Simon: "I know, but what ARE you?"
Me: "I'm a lady."
Simon: "I know that, but what are you?"
Me: "Simon, I have no idea what you're asking."
Simon: "I think you're an alien/superhero hybrid."

Simon is so excited about the hat party/guys day he's going on with Jeff. He's told me he wants a samurai hat. He was pointing at a chief's headdress when he said that, though.

Simon, while eating dinner: "Well, I'm full. Can I have dessert?"

An 80's Cat

Simon: "Scamps is so black and white! She's like an 80's cat. You know, in the 80's, when they first started making black and white movies."

Simon: "Oh no! Scamps jumped on my Lego creation and broke it! I bet that hurt. She's hurt on the outside and I'm hurt on the inside."

Simon: "Ah, I am gettin' up there."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Simon: "I'm so old. I mean, you're in your thirties, right?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Well, I'm six. That means I'm in my sixties. I'm getting old."

Simon: "My hair looks new wave or punk rock. If I go to a punk rock concert, all the ladies are going to go wild for my cool style."

Me: "Simon, can I have a goodnight hug and kiss?"
Simon: "I'm too hyper for romance."

DNA

Simon: "Do you want to hear two words that don't change when you reverse them? Dad backwards is still dad and mom backwards is still mom. Funny, huh?"

There was an AFV clip of a baby in a bathtub, drinking soapy water. The baby opened its mouth and bubbles came out. Simon sighed and said, "I miss those days."

Simon, watching a documentary: "Does this guy [the narrator] speak German?"
Me: "He has a British accent."
Simon: "British? I knew he spoke German!"

Simon asked me to take a bite of his apple to "get it started". After I handed it back to him he said sarcastically, "Great. I can't wait for a big taste of mom DNA."

Me: "Simon, can I have a goodnight hug and kiss?"
Simon: "I'm too hyper for romance."

Simon: "Can I have a mohawk?"
Me: "I can try to give you one in a bit."
Simon: "First we need cornstarch."

Intelligent

Simon: "I feel more intelligent this morning,for some reason."

Simon just went and dumped his water into the sink, then said, "Well, that was a grim spectacle."

Simon, chewing gum: "Dad, can you teach me how to blow a bubble?"
After watching Simon trying and failing in a very spit-plastering way, Jeff said, "I think you need front teeth for it to work."

Simon had a great time trick-or-treating. This is the first year he's gone.

Italy

Simon: "Where did T used to live?"
Me: "Italy."
Simon: "Oh! That's why he can speak french!"

Me: "I'm going to close the blinds. It's getting really hot in here."
Simon: "Why don't you take your shirt off?"
Me: "I can't. It's inappropriate for females to take their shirts off in public."
Simon: "I reject that! It isn't fair. Ladies get hot too."

Simon: "What's the name of the story about the person that's blocked from his heart's desire?"
Me: "There are lots of stories about that. I need more to go on, buddy."
Simon: "Like me. I'm blocked off from my heart's desire, which is origami."
He's grounded from origami for the week.

Watching a Capital One credit card commercial, Simon asked, "Why do they always want to know what's in my wallet?"

Texas Hold-em

Jeff and Simon were playing Uno. I heard Simon ask Jeff if he knew any card games. Jeff said he would teach Simon fifty-two card pickup. Simon asked, "Can you teach me Texas Hold-'em?"
Jeff answered, "Maybe."
Simon queried, "Do we play for our lunch money?"

Simon when we told him to get ready for bed: "Hey, hey, ho, ho! This here kid just won't go!"


Simon is going as Captain America for Halloween. I must say, he's pretty darn cute.

I told Simon a joke.He immediately said, "Ha ha ha! That's a crude joke!"
I answered, "That joke wasn't crude!"
Simon asked, "Oh. What does "crude" mean?"
I told him that a crude joke is usually one involving toilet humor. He laughed and said, "Those are only for little kids!"

Simon: "Does it hurt to pull a  muscle in your foot?"
Me: "Yup. Why do you ask?"
Simon: "I'm going to walk with cloven hooves so that I pull a muscle."
Huh?

Star Wars Origami Enterprises

Simon, playing Lego Batman with his friend: "Come on! Eat my thunder!"

Simon: "Maybe when I grow up I'm going to use lots of money to go to college. Then I'm going to buy a jet pack so I can go work with Dad."

I gave Simon a worksheet to practice writing numbers in Spanish. He worked quietly for a minute, then he said, "Wait a minute! This is a kindergarten worksheet! I'm a first grader! This is insulting to me!"

Simon: "Did you see me going in reverse around the table [with the string]? Tim was going crazy! That's reverse psychology for ya."

Simon has a new favorite phrase: "Au contrair, Mom-air."

Simon: "I'm CEO of Star Wars Origami Enterprises. Incorporated."

Pep in Your Step

Simon: "I like sky-fi books now."
Me: "I like those too, but it's actually pronounced sci-fi."
Simon: "I bet I know what it's short for: sai fight. You know, like those weapons in Japan?"

Simon: "Are you okay? You seem a little out of it."
Me: "I'm okay, just tired."
Simon: "You should get some coffee. It puts pep in your step."

Simon: "I am more of a cat person than a dog person. Cats are more mature. It's the truth."

Simon: "Can I make my own breakfast?"
Me: "Sure!"
Simon: "Do you have any prunes?"
Simon wanted to make a prune, cheese, and mayonnaise sandwich.

Simon was finally brave enough to touch the sting rays at the zoo today. He gasped excitedly when the first one flapped over his hand and said, "It made contact!"
The way he said it made me think of alien movies.

Ominous

Simon: "Rollos are little caramel presents from planet Yum."

The way Simon throws a football is to strike what he assumes is a sports pose, then say, "Go long. I'm going to belt it!"

Simon is doodling all over a piece of paper. He just held it up and asked, "What do you think of my new ominous logo?"

Simon: "You went silly. That's kind of like going crazy. It's another way of saying you went bad, like a banana. I'm joking!"
Simon tripped over the sleeping cat. He got up and said, "Mo-om, Tim tripped me!"
I answered that I didn't think he meant to, and Simon said, "Yes, he did. He's trying to look all innocent [pronounced inn-o-kent], but I have him figured out. Well? Are you going to put him on timeout?"

Simon has started saying "unconstance" when he means "unconscious". He uses that word a lot.

Myths

Simon, while reading a book about myths at the bookstore, yelled, "Mom! I don't have to poop everyday to be healthy! That's a myth! I can just hold it in! Ha!"
There were two people nearby who were cracking up.

We went on a mother and son date. We went to the mall, rode the escalators, danced to store Musak, and ate in the food court. Simon insisted on giving me half of his cookie because "That's what you do on dates."

Simon: "I know my job in taking care of Skippy: I'm the tattletale."

Yesterday, Simon said, "I know a lot about stuff, but I don't know everything. Like really complicated math. I don't know what x is. If you turn it sideways, it kind of looks like a plus sign. So, maybe x is plus."

Catcher in the Rye

Simon: "Is Catcher in the Rye about baseball?"
Jeff: "No. It's kind of about a guy discovering who he is."
Simon: "Oh. Who is he?"

Simon: "Mom, I have bad news: gatorade is expensive now. It's 88 cents at CVS."

Simon (doing pushups): "401, 402...I skipped some numbers."
Me: "Yeah, why did you do that?"
Simon: "It's more gratifying that way."

After our circus trip tonight, Simon said, "Dad, I'm too tired to walk up the stairs. Will you carry me?"
When Jeff told him he would, Simon happily said, "You've always got my back."

Logic

First lost tooth. We didn't even know it was loose! It just fell out while Simon was eating breakfast.

Simon: "Did you know that I'm always right?"
Me: "Oh, really.No one told me that."
Simon: "That because it's my little secret."
Simon: "Do you know what I don't like? Logic."

Simon has been less than pleasant today. As I was supervising a cleanup of epic proportions, Simon said, "I want to be doing fun stuff with Dad, not having this tie-ran-ee. Or is it tyranny? Well, whatever, it's bad."

Simon: "Do you know what I'm scared of? High up roller coasters. I like my roller coasters down on the ground."
Me: "Dad doesn't like roller coasters either."
Simon: "Ha! It's like we're twins!"

Simon: "Can I eat in the living room and watch something?"
Me: "No. You can eat at the table."
Simon: "But I eat too fast at the table and I want to savor the moment!"

Simon: "Mom, did you know Dramamine makes me sleepy? It's like sleeping gas for me."

Simon made a Lego creation that moves using gears. This is what he said about it: "Both the gears move at the same time. I thought the smaller gear would move the fastest. I don't understand why, but that's the way friction works. Well, I think that's how friction does it!"

Consonant

 We added a new family member: A cat that has been dubbed Tim "Skippyjon" Jones. Here are a few pictures:

Jeff: "Simon, do you know what a consonant is?"
Simon: "Oh, I know! It's a huge chunk of land!"
Ha ha ha! I believe the word he was looking for is "continent".
I jokingly told Simon that he would make a great minion. He smiled, looking flattered, and said, "Aw, you're just saying that."

Simon informed me that he doesn't like to read. He had a book open on his lap when he said that. My sides hurt from laughing.

Simon: "I found a new way of breathing. It's like spitting in reverse."
Me: "Do you mean breathing through your mouth?"
Simon: "I don't know. I can't find an adjective to describe it."

A Sprinkling of Terror

Simon, at the Jump Zone: "Mom, come look at my fumble! It was a sprinkling of terror!"

Me: Did you make some new friends last night?"
Simon: "Yes. I want to play with A and B, and I want to have several of the employees [who are all female] over. When are they not at work?"

Simon: "Look! I made a Lego guy on a horse, ready to...what's it when they try to get poles at each other?"
Me: "Jousting."
Simon: "Yeah. That."

Simon is making a Lego board game. He says there will be a space that, "Says turn around. There are all kinds of crazy demands!"

Theory

Me: "I'm going to run and take the world's fastest shower while you eat breakfast."
Simon: "I might need a camera for after."
Me: "Why?"
Simon: "For when you break the word record for World's Fastest Shower."
Me: "I'm not really going to. That's just my way of saying I'll be quick."
Simon: Maybe I'll break the world record, since I hate showers."

This morning Simon decided he was sticky. He kept running into the bathroom and slathering soapy water all over himself. I told him that soap is sticky and he said, "Well, that's one theory."

Simon: "I'm really interested in birds. I like marshall eagles, and harpy eagles. I also like Millenium falcons."

Struggling

This morning, Simon pointed out, "I'm struggling to sit up."

The other day, Simon asked, "Can I buy a necklace, or a watch for my wrist?"
Jeff asked, "You want a necklace?"
Simon replied, "There's nothing wrong with fashion.."
He quickly forgot the necklace when he saw comics. Teehee!

I was once again impressed by Simon and his reading skills, when he read "atrocious" without a pause or struggle. Jeez, this boy!

Jeff and I were discussing math curriculum. Simon shouted from the other room, "It's not going to happen, Mom! You can't make math fun!"

Bonjour!

I overheard Simon playing with his Lego guys this morning:
Lego guy #1: "Bonjour!"
Lego guy #2: "I didn't know you could speak Spanish!"
Lego guy #3: "That's just a bunch of hippie, dippy, bologna."

Simon: "Don't you think my Tenkai Knights look like knights?"
Me: "No, I think they look like robots."
Simon: "It's not their fault. I think the artist had a problem when he was drawing them, or something."

Simon: "Mom, I can't find my [Lego guy] shield!"
Me: "We'll probably find it under the chair or someplace like that."
Simon: "I don't like that word, "probably". How about we say, "We will find it!"?"

How a Man Sleeps

Simon: "I want to sleep with my shirt off, like a man does."

Simon: "Do you want me to tell you what "expenses" is?"
Me: "Uh...okay."
Simon: "It's little things that you waste your money on."

Simon: "Mom, guess what? I'm a follower of the Lord!"

Simon: "Me and Ryland have a secret handshake."
Me: "Really? What is it?"
Simon: "I don't remember. It is secret, though."

Simon: "How can Luke and Leia be twins? They don't even have the same haircut!"

Silly Shakespeare

Simon: "I don't like Sesame Street. It's like a huge rash that won't go away!"

Simon has built a Lego Transformer that transforms into a shampoo bottle. I have no idea why.

Simon: "Mom, can I watch "Much Ado About Nothing"?"
Me: "You wouldn't like it, buddy."
Simon: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's Shakespeare, so it's a little hard to understand."
Simon: "Oh....'cause he can't talk right. That's why it's "ado". He spelled it wrong. It's supposed to be "to do". Silly Shakespeare."

Movie Classics

Simon: "I just have to brush my teeth and get dressed. I have it so easy."

Simon was given a giant Lego set unexpectedly. We asked what he wants to say to the person who gave it to him, and he said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you, like, a million times! And I love you for this!".

Simon has told me that his Lego creation are "all in the minor details."Me: "Guess what?"
Simon: "What?"
Me: "I love you."
Simon: "Well said, Mom. Well said."
Simon: I am skinny everything! It comes from sitting in very small spaces!

Simon:"Do you want to see a car crash? Because I know all about car crashes! Really, they are movie classics!"
Simon (standing atop a friend's playroom climber):" I WANT TO LIVE HERE!!"

Friend's Mom: "What about your mom and dad??"

Simon: "Oh, well.....they aren't here to hear it and they did not mention it anyways....."

Simon has started saying, "OOOP, There it is!"

Simon very rarely mispronounces words. Here are his current mispronunciations:
"Humil-lil-ated" instead of "humiliated".
"Inno- kent" instead of "innocent"

Simon has started singing "TNT" by AC/DC. It's very very funny.

Simon really doesn't like the heat. As we walked through the grocery store door, Simon leaned against the pile of baskets and said dramatically, "I can't go any further. Go on without me!"

Sideburns

Me: "What is the capital of Brazil?"
Simon: "Brasília."
Me: "What about Japan?"
Simon: "Tokyo."
Me: "Egypt?"
Simon: "Cairo."
Me: "China?"
Simon: "Chinatown?"
Uh...
Simon: "Can I bring a notebook and a pencil tomorrow?" (to VBS)
Me: "Why?"
Simon: "I made a new friend, but I didn't catch his name. I need his autograph so I can know it."

Simon has been making Star Wars characters out of Legos. He had the hardest time with "Princess Lego" because he said that her "sideburns aren't poofy enough". Hahaha!


Simon slept over at a friend's house for the first time:

Ryland: you've never had root beer?!?
Simon: WE DO NOT DRINK BEER!!!
Natalie: it isn't beer, simon
S: aw, what is it, a meat or somethin'?
(Kids all laugh)
N- a soda
Simon: well, I don't like fizz either!


Simon was so overexcited that he was a disaster the next day. I took him home and he started sobbing, "I miss my friend!", even though he's been seeing him every day. There was also this gem:
Simon: "I'm saaaddd!"
Me: "I know, buddy."
Simon: "What are you going to do about it?'
Me: "I'm going to give you a hug when we get out of the car."
Simon: "Are we stopping at Toys R Us?"
Me: "No.Why would we do that?"
Simon (still sobbing): "To cheer me up!"

Mommy's Awesome Homeschool

Simon: "We should name our school "Mommy's Awesome Homeschool". Too much?"

Simon: "If I chew on a bone, all my teeth will fall out and I'll get, like, a million toothbrushes." We're going to let him pick any toothbrush he wants when he loses his first tooth.

Simon: "Am I stressing you out? I just love stressing you out. It's funny."

Simon: "How do you lick your chops?"

Quotes From Our Day At The Zoo

Simon, while at the zoo: "Are we taking the train?"
Jeff: "No. We're going to walk today."
Simon, nodding: "Ohh, we're kicking it old school."

This one is from Jeff, but it made me laugh so hard! Talking about my book addiction: "You should switch to heroin: it's cheaper."

Simon went on the zoo carousel today. He spent the whole ride discussing whether or not it was safe. He got off and said, "My teeth are still chattering!"
I asked, "Why?"
Simon answered, "I got on my own nerves."


Simon: "Why do the penguins always looks like that?"
Ryan: "They look like they're wearing tuxedos."
Simon: "They're staying classy."


Simon tried to climb the rope ladder at the zoo playground. He was trying to find the easiest way to get up, but ended up losing his shoe. He has about as much coordination as I do.

Stan Lee

Simon: "My voice is kind of better now. Half the time when I scream, I sound like a boy. The other times I sound like a girl, though. My voice will be all better when I'm seven."

Simon: "I learned a new word: obsessed. Basically, I've been obsessed with Legos for days."

Simon, on the Living Wax Museum we'll be visiting later: "Too bad it doesn't go back to the Cretaceous or something, so I could dress as a Velociraptor. Or old school Lego Batman. That's old."

Simon: "There's a commercial in this [comic] for a book  about how to be a comic book writer and it's written by STAN LEE! We need to call and tell Dad! He will freak out!"

Jeff: "Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate!"
Simon: "Who?"
Jeff: "Amazon."

Simon: "Batman's not a superhero. He's a millionaire."
Simon: "It's going to be a huge nassel explosion."
Me: "What?"
Simon: "Nassel! You know, like in space."
Me: "NASA?"
Simon: "No, nassel."
Me: "Wait, how is the word spelled?"
Simon: "N-A-S-A-L"
Me: Simon, that's pronounced "nay- sal". It has to do with the nose."
Simon: "Oh. Then there's going to be a nasal explosion."
Ew.

Catch-phrase!

I was playing Legos with Simon. I noticed that one of his Legos had an old man face. I told Simon he was old, and Simon said, "He's not old. He's experienced!"

Jeff and I were joking around. This was the result:
Jeff: "Woman!"
Me:  "Fella!"
Simon: "Spidey!"
Ha ha ha!

Simon: "I have a catch-phrase. Do you know what it is?"
Me: "What?"
Simon: "That's it! It's "what"! It should have a theme song that plays every time I say it."

Simon, grinning like a maniac: "Do I look devious or something?"

Simon: "When can I have a stuffed dragon [from How to Train Your Dragon]?"
Me: "You'll have to save up your allowance."
Simon: "Why can't you just buy it?" pauses, "Oh, you want me to not be spoiled and build character. I hate building character."
Simon: "Why are you mocking me?!?"
Me: "I'm not. I'm agreeing with you!"
Simon: "So, THAT'S your story, eh?"

Ahem!

Simon on sunsets: "I like sunsets because they're romantic. Like when you're on a playdate with someone and you fall in love..."

Simon, holding up a donut: "Would you like a croissant? "
He dragged that last word out forever.

Simon: "It's a Crump family first. A new world record: a memory breakup! It's like when you're dating somebody and you break up, but with memories."

Simon: "You're quite funny."
Me: "I think you're quite funny."
Simon: "Thanks! I'm going to resume making my Lego star fighter now."
Having his first sleepover:
Me: "Simon,go get dressed for bed."
A couple minutes later...
Simon: "Ryland, come and see the scenario!"
Me: "Simon, are you naked? Because Ryland doesn't need to see that scenario."

Simon has started saying, "Ahem" when he is about to read out loud. It cracks me up!

Lottering Vs. Loitering

Simon: "Mom, there needs to be a sign where you stepped in dog poo that says "No littering and no lottering". What does lottering mean?"
Me: "Do you mean loitering?"
Simon: "Whatever."
Me: "It means hanging out for no good reason."

Simon: "I'm Super Dude. One of my powers is to catch balls. I can only do it one or two times, though."

Simon ran into the hall with his pants around his ankles, yelling, "This is so human-li-lating!"
I'm pretty sure he meant humiliating.

Simon has decided that he has super speed. He has started rubbing his feet along the ground like he's gearing up to charge- even when he's just planning on walking. It's hilarious.

Me: "Simon, do you want to try a strawberry smoothie later?"
Simon: "Maybe we can just share one. You know, one cup with two straws, like if we were in love."
Me: "Are you practicing for something?"
Simon: "No. I just like unique experiences."

This one is from yesterday:
Simon: "I can't be a spaceman when I grow up because you have to be in the Navy. If you're in the Navy, you die. Plus, you have to have a fortune to pay for college."

Simon: "Mom, you inspire me".
Awww!

While I was getting my hair done, Simon ran into the bathroom. He came bounding back into the room, and yelled, "Confidence is sexy!"
We all started cracking up. That's when he explained that he read that on the bathroom mirror. Silly boy!

Simon: "My fingerprints look like little Death Stars. Probably because I love Star Wars."

Confidence Is Sexy

Simon: "When I see the carousel, I get dizzy. But when I'm on it, I'm not dizzy. That's Newton's Law of Physics."

Simon went to the bathroom at my hair stylists' place. He ran back into the room and announced, "Confidence is sexy!"
He then explained that that's what it says on the bathroom mirror.

Simon: "Which ninja turtle likes technical stuff?"
Me: "Donatello."
Simon: "You answered that question! Can you answer other questions?"
Me: "Maybe."
Simon: "That's the spirit!"

Simon: "Today looks like a good drowsy day."

I've started teaching Simon about epilepsy. He pronounces it "apple-epsy". Already I've had to clear up some misconceptions: Simon thought epilepsy was the fear of light, since I can't do things like laser tag. He also wanted to know if it's contagious. I've decided not to tell him that it can be genetic.Simon, after getting undressed (in the hall) for his bath: "I'm buck naked, you know. What does "buck naked" mean?"

Legoland Fun! Simon turns six!

Almost Six

Last night Simon said, "Call me Little Boss!"
Me: "But I'm the boss!"
Simon: "Look at you, sulking over there."
Ha ha ha!

I like to tease Jeff and tell him that I'm taller than he is (I'm not). This morning Simon joined in by stating, "Dad's taller. Sorry, Mom, but the truth hurts sometimes."

Me: "How are you almost six!?!"
Simon: "I guess that's just how God made me."

Simon: "Is it time to dine?"

Simon: "What's Luke Skywalker's last name?"
Me: "Skywalker."
Simon: "What?!? Then what's his first name?"
Me: "Luke."
Simon: "Why is he named Luke? Oh, I know! It's because he was supposed to be named Duke but his dad thought it was too many 'd' names, 'cause his dad is Darth Vader. Kind of like how you guys didn't name me that'" 'j' name because it would be too many j's."
Ha ha ha! We did consider naming him Josiah.

Hazmat Suits

Simon: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a private investigator or a ninja."
Jeff, jokingly: "Maybe you can do both."
Simon: "Yeah! I'll be Private Ninja!"

Simon has started "taking pulses". He grabbed my arm, looked at my vein, and said, "It's really long. You have a high pulse!"

There is a sweet little girl who likes to give hugs. I asked Simon why he wouldn't hug her today and he said he was afraid of germs. Once I explained that she's not germy, Simon said, "Well, next time I'm still going to wear a hazmat suit. You never know what booby traps she has planned!"

We just got back from spending the morning with friends. I asked Simon what he and his buddy did and Simon answered, "Well, we played Legos. Then we talked for a bit. Then we did other various fun things. You know, just life."

We were playing a game (the Pelopinnesian War Game) and  Simon said, "I roll high numbers and you keep rolling low numbers! That's probably just the way the cookie crumbles."

Dreamy

Simon: "Mom? Am I dreamy?"
Me: "One day you'll meet a girl and she'll think you're dreamy."
Simon: "But do you think I'm dreamy?"
Of course I said yes.

Simon: "What do you do on April Fool's?"
Me: "People play pranks. A bunch of people will say they're pregnant when they're not."
Simon, pointing at me, : "You're pregnant."


Simon went on the carousel at the zoo for the first time.He chose to ride on an animal that didn't go up and down.  He loved it! He asked to go on it again the second he got off. Waiting in line the second time, he turned to the people behind us and said, "I went on the tiger. I love the tiger. It's a stationary one. The stationary ones are cool."

Simon: "Do you know what I would look for at a swap meet? Victory! Or a toy."

Island of Mysteries

Simon to Jeff: "Come on, we're going to go to the Island of Mysteries."
Jeff: "What's the mystery?"
Simon: "I don't know. That's the mystery!"

Simon: "I need someone who's good at technical stuff to fix my cardboard spaceship."
Jeff: "You're really good at technical things."
Simon: "No I'm not. I've never run a wire through something."

Simon threw cushions on the floor to play "lava" for the first time. He rescues the fair maiden (me) by taking me by the hand and leading me across the cushions to the other sofa. Then he led me back. When he tried to lead me a third time, I said that I was done for right then. He informed me that the sofa I was on was about to blow and I'd explode if I stayed there.

Regular Pants

Simon doing his school work today: "I can't help but do a slipshod work today."

Simon tends to go to the  bathroom with the door open. Last night I saw him "mediating" (meditating) on the toilet.

Simon: "I can't do my work today because I'm not feeling like a smarty pants. I'm feeling like a regular pants."

Yesterday at Great Clips, Simon asked if I would be the Fair Maiden that he could rescue. Of course I said yes.

Simon has decided that he has a crush on the older sister of a friend of his. He moved to a different spot in the van we were riding in so he could sit by his buddy, but then said, "Now I can't reach my girlfriend!"

Simon: "When Dad gets home, is he going to give you a big smooch?"
Me: "I hope so!"
Simon (disgustedly) : "I knew it!"

Simon: "I don't like reading Mr. Popper's Penguins. Well, I liked the penguin part."
Uh...the whole thing is about penguins. Silly boy!

Steak

Simon came up and asked me why his "winky" (penis) "looked like steak". I had no answers.

Simon: "I like you. But I like God more."

I told Simon he will need to try on some clothes today and he came up with this gem:
"Why don't we make a double of me that has the same appearance and you can try clothes on it. We can use ballistics gel and just make my rumpus and legs."

I thought it smelled like cigarette smoke in our apartment, which is weird since we don't smoke. I asked Jeff if he smelled anything and Simon piped up, "I don't smell anything, Mom. You're probably just going crazy. Or maybe ballistics."

Simon made a new homeschool friend today (actually, a few new friends). When it was time to leave, Simon's new buddy held out his hand for Simon to shake. They shook hands like little gentlemen. I think it's safe to say they really hit it off. Two little old gentlemen.

Simon: "I think my superhero name should be Mr. Question because I ask a lot of questions. You wanna know my super power? I distract the bad guys by asking so many questions, then, when they're distracted, I attack them! Also, I like asking questions."


Simon is talking about "first case scenarios" and "worse case scenarios". It's pretty entertaining.

Beat Boxing!

Simon woke me up at four this morning to ask me what "smothers" means. At four, buddy!?!?

I patted Simon on the back and he said, "Good beat boxing!"

Simon: "Mom, I swung my sword so fast I couldn't see it. Nor could the bad guys!"

Simon: "Mom, I'm bored. Isn't that pathetic?"

Nipplegate!

How Simon solves the problem of three people and two bread sticks: "You" (pointing to Jeff) "can have one, and I can have one, and Mom can have a little bit of love."Simon thinks his toy is paranoid.

Simon: "Is it our anniversary?"
Me: "Dad and mine?"
Simon: "No, like ours. A party day. You know, like 1999."

Simon said today that his Lego guy is "going to get decembered. You know, like taken apart."
I told Jeff how Simon pronounced dismembered and he said, "It makes sense to me. After all the money I spend around Christmas, I feel decembered."

Simon has been building different aspects of the Olympics out of Legos. This morning he made some Lego figure skaters. He says that one of them is doing "a triple latte".

Jeff had his shirt off because he was getting ready to shower, and Simon needed a band-aid. So, after looking at Jeff for a minute, Simon asked,  "What are those red things?"
Jeff realized after a moment that Simon might be referring to his nipples, so he asked, "You mean this?"
Simon: "Yeah. What is that?"
Jeff: "They're nipples! You have them too!"
Simon: "Yeah, but mine are a lot smaller."
Jeff: "Well, I'm much bigger than you."
Simon: "What are they for?"
Jeff in true Jeff style: "Well, on a man they're for nothing. I guess they might be for esthetic reasons. To be symmetrical. It's ladies that actually use them for something."
Simon: "What do they use them for?"
Jeff: "For milk. That's how babies get milk."
Simon: "Oh. Why does Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes want a grenade launcher?"

2014 Olympic Fun

Fingerprint Olympic flag

Homemade bobsled run

Speed skating

Flesh

Simon: "Mom, I'm running against you for School President."
Me: "You are? If you win, what will you do?"
Simon: "Make a rule: six minute breaks."
Me: "Six minutes? That's it?"
Simon: "Well, it's more than five minutes, so that's okay."
Simon while eating chicken: "What is chicken made of?"
Jeff: "Chickens!"
Simon: "Like the bird?"
Jeff: "Yeah, it is the bird."
Simon: "How do they make it taste so good?"
Jeff: "Well, that's just the-"
Simon: "Wait! Am I eating FLESH?!?!"


Simon: "Mom, I'm disappointed. Not literally. It's okay."

Simon: "Look at my Lego spaceship I just built."
Me: "That's cool!"
Simon: "That's 'cause I'm a genius.

Simon went to O2bkids with a friend yesterday. When he went down the slide, he told me it was just like the luge. I'm glad that he's excited about what he's been learning about the Olympics.

Butterflies

Simon: "All superheroes have a weakness, just like I have a weakness which is macaroni and cheese. And pizza. Deep dish."

Simon (looking betrayed): "Why are they called butterflies? They're not made out of butter!"

Simon: "Mom, why did they name the game 'Simon Says' after me?"
Simon: "We're the Dude family. You're Mom Dude, Dad is Dad Dude, and I'm Simon Elias Dude. Grandma is Grandma Dude and Papa Rich is Rich Dude."

Simon hit his head and started crying. I asked where he hit it and, after pointing out the sore spot, Simon started sobbing, "I hope it's not my frontal lobe!"

Simon: "I don't know what to write a comic about! My mind is blank. All I can think is stuff that already has been made, like Simon's Cat."
Me: "Well, I like your Stick Dude comics and Hot the Hot Dog is really cool."
Simon: "Well, I can't do those because I'm moving on to more advanced stuff."

Foul Tastes

Simon: "You're an employee, just like Dad, except you're my employee. Do you know where my employees go? They stay in my closest until they're ready to come out and work."
Me: "What was your favorite thing about school today?"
Simon: "You."
I love my little smooth talker.

Simon: "You're an employee, just like Dad, except you're my employee. Do you know where my employees go? They stay in my closest until they're ready to come out and work."

Simon: "Mom, how do I make my hiccups hic down?"

I gave Simon an allergy chewable, but it was grape flavored. He screamed and ran down the hall, waving his arms around. When he finally swallowed, Simon grimaced and said, "That tastes foul!"

Simon just came running into the room in nothing but his underwear. He stopped and shouted, "My legs are abandoned!"

Simon liked an idea I had, so he came and wrapped his arms around my head. He said, "I'm trying to hug your brain."

My 31st Birthday Gift From Simon

This is what Simon gave me for my birthday. The second heart is engraved with "I love you."

Simon picked the engraving for the box. I love it! It's dripping with his personality!

A Quest

Simon: "Mom, did you know that soap is made out of ivory?"
Guess what brand of soap we have?

Me: "Simon, go make your bed."
Simon: "I wish I'd never been born because then I could just do back flips in your tummy all the time."

Jeff and I were talking and Jeff mention the word "sister in-law". Simon asked what Jeff was talking about and Jeff answered that he was talking about my sister. Simon asked what "in-law" meant and, once Jeff explained, said, "I think "in-law' means you get to tell people what to do because mothers-in-laws get to boss you around." Once Jeff and I stopped laughing, Simon explained that he knew that "because of the story of Ruth. You know, in the Bible."

Simon: "Dad, your nickname is Mr. Genius!"
Me: "What's my nickname?"
Simon: "Baron Von Mom."


Simon is coloring a picture of King Tut. He says, "He's going to be in style!"

Simon: "All they do is sit around all the time."
Me: "Who?"
Simon: "Presidents."

Simon: "Mom, I think you're actually quite interesting."

Simon: "Do you want to know my pulse? It's five, because I'm so tall."

Simon: "I'll make a quest for you when my work is all done."
Me: "How are you going to do that?"
Simon: "I'm going to hide my work and give you clues, and you're going to have to search for it, and there will be a map.