Dear Dad...

I got into the drivers' side of the car today and Simon said, "Mom, why are you sitting in Dad's chair?"

Simon: "Why is my underwear warm?"
Me: "It just came out of the dryer."
Simon: "You're a genius, Mom." (yells to Jeff in the other room), "Dad, I think Mom is a genius!"

Simon and I were praying before he went to school this morning. I thanked God for giving me such a great son and Simon said, "You said some very nice things to God. Good job!"

Me: "I love you, Simon!"
Simon: "Phew! I was hoping so. That's great! I love you too!"


Me: "Simon, do you want to make a birthday card for Dad?"
Simon: "Sure. It says, "Dear Uncle Ryan, thank you for the crash robots" (that he got for Christmas) "and the Megatron one and Happy Birthday. Love, Simon."
Me: "No, buddy. It's Dad's birthday. Do you want to make a card for Dad?"
Simon: "Yes. It will say, "Dear Dad, blah, blah, blah."
Me: "How about writing "Happy Birthday, Love, Simon."
Simon: "Nah."

A Tall Drink of Water

Simon: "I have a germ in my throat. One germ. And it's the bad kind, not the good kind."

Grandma: "You're a tall drink of water."
Simon: "This isn't water! It's juice!"

Only Simon would feel the need to look at the tag on the back of his shirt every time he puts one on:
"Mom! I've got a jumping bean shirt!"

 Simon didn't want to do his homework (cutting out paper cookies), so I had Simon make up a story: "The bad guy, Mothman, made cookies for Batman, Mom. Batman thought they were good cookies but Mothman played a trick and they tasted gross!"
It worked, he did his homework.

Simon and Jeff watched part of the Chelsea match together (English soccer). Jeff taught Simon to say, "Peter, Cech, Cech, Cech!"
Jeff had a great time training a future fan.

Simon: "Mom, who is asthma?"
Me: "It's not a who, it's a what."
Simon: "Oh. Mom, what's an asthma?"

55 Miles Per Hour

Simon keeps trying to smooch me on the mouth, saying, "I need to practice for when I get married!"
Oh dear.

We were at Target and Simon asked, "Am I paid for?"

Jeff was tickling Simon. Simon asked him, "How do I get you to stop doing that?"

Simon, after trying to blow his nose: "Can you help me? I tried to do it, but it was a disaster."

Simon: "Why is my  nose blowsy?"
Me: "You have allergies, buddy."
Simon: "Oh, man! The world is out to get me!"
So dramatic.

Simon: "I'm a Lego ninja guy and I run really fast! I run 55 miles per hour!'

Legitimate Job Positions

I asked Simon what he wants to be when he grows up. He ended up saying he wants to be a police officer, after Jeff explained that "Halo guy" is not a legitimate job position.

Simon: "Mom, what does y'll mean?"
Oh boy.

Me: "Did you have fun at school?"
Simon: "Yup."
Me: "What did you do?"
Simon: "It's a long story. I'll tell ya later."

Simon was riding his bike yesterday. He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, folded his hands and said, "God, please heal my bug bites. Amen."

Simon handed me a piece of paper and said, "It's a message from God. I'm being a prophet."
The paper was an instruction manual for a Lego set. Simon has a very strong imagination.

On the way to school this morning, Simon said, "I think school is the teacher poking a board with a stick thing. Then we go home!"

I have a t-shirt with a stormtrooper on it (yes, I am a nerd). Simon looked at it the other day and said, "Mom, that shirt is a capital idea!"

Disturbing

Simon: "Dad, did you make my toy in China?"
Jeff: "No. Why do you ask?"
Simon: "Because it says "China" on it. See? C-H-I-N-A."

Simon was yanking his hair, hard. I asked him why he was doing that and he said, "I was checking to see if I have Lego hair. I don't."

I asked Simon if he liked his new haircut and he said, "I want my hair just longer again so I look like a wookie." Cue the pout.

Simon was pretending he was asleep this morning. I said to Jeff, "You can tell Simon is pretending because he has a smile on his face."
Without opening his eyes, Simon immediately assumed an angry expression.

Simon belched then said, "Now that's disturbing."

Me: "Guess what, Simon? You get to go to school tomorrow!"
Simon: "No, thanks, 'cause I'll miss you."
Awwww!

Simon: "Can I have some chips?"
Me: "No." (It was eight a.m.)
Simon: "But I need a meal fit for a king!"
I'm still laughing about that one.

Getting squished

I "raced" Simon to the window to wave goodbye to Jeff when he left for work. I said, "You beat me to the window!", to which Simon answered, "Yeah! I always beat you at everything."
Good grief.

Simon poured water all over his hands, then put his hands on my arms and neck. I asked what on earth he was doing and he said, "I'm putting cold hands on you so you'll freak out!"

Simon has a little harmonica. He said, "That's what I'll do! I'll play music for the Lord when I grow up, with my harmonica!"

Simon: "Sit on me!"
Me: "Why? You'll get squished."
Simon: "But I love getting squished! It's fun."

Me:" Simon, are you going to eat or what?"
Simon: "What."

This has happened before, but I'm going to write it down so I don't forget. Simon calls his comforter and "comfortable".

Simon: "I'm going to teach my teacher at school how to sign 'pay attention' and 'I love you'."

Phone Book

Simon: "Did God create the people who created eggs?"
Me: "No. God created chickens and chickens lay eggs-"
Did Simon just figure out the whole 'which came first' thing?!?! Ha ha!

Simon dumped his piggy bank out on his bed (during nap time, no less). I asked him what he was doing (I wasn't all that happy with him) and he said, "I'm the Joker and the Joker is a bad guy and bad guys steal money."

My sister wore a paisley skirt yesterday. Simon saw it and said, "Wow, your dress is funky! Funky is my favorite!"

Jeff: "Do you need a phone book to sit on?"
Simon: "What's a phone book?"
We have officially turned into "back in the day" people.

Simon: "I need to tell you a knock knock joke: how many doors can Captain America open? Zero. Ha ha ha!"
What?

Me: "You need to eat so you have energy."
Simon: "Energy to be naughty?"
Oh boy.

A warning to everyone who regularly converses with Simon: his new favorite word is 'betrayed'. Don't take it personally if Simon accuses you of betraying him like Judas betrayed Jesus. I wonder what his school teacher will think of that one.