How to Discipline a Baby

We were talking with Simon today about learning to change diapers and help with the baby. I told him that if he learned how to take really good care of babies, he could babysit when he was older to earn a little money. He said, "I'll just let the baby crawl on the floor, and squirt it with a water bottle if it misbehaves."
Um...you don't discipline a baby the way you discipline a cat, buddy.

Simon: "I think the reason we can't see God is so we don't wake up in the middle of the night, see Him sitting there, and get startled. "

Simon: "Mom, guess what? When I walk toward Scamps, she doesn't recoil in horror anymore! "
Me: "Did she ever do that? "
Simon, laughing: "Oh, yes. "

Simon: "Is lunch making you sick?"
Me: "Not so far."
Simon: "The baby found some food he likes? Yay!"

Simon: "Did you know that God contacts prophets using dreams? He doesn't text them! Ha ha ha!"

Big Trouble

Simon: " I have to admit, Dad is the best dad. "
Simon: "I think Tim is sending me a mental message."
Me: "Really? What is he saying?"
Simon, looking at me like I've just asked the most ridiculous question imaginable: "Mom, I'm human. I don't speak Cat."

Simon is already coming up with April Fools Day pranks to play on Jeff. As of right now, he wants to put sugar in Jeff's coffee, instead of salt, and put a lid on his coffee so it's harder to drink. I don't think Jeff was aware that he usually puts salt in his coffee.

Simon: "The next time Tim gets on the counter, he's in trouble. Big trouble. And I'm bringing it to him. "

Walking into Babies R Us with us today, Simon said, "This place is irking me. See how my eye is twitching? "
Then he quickly blinked his eye a bunch of times.

I was talking with Jeff about his school, and how he's close to graduating with his Bachelor's degree. Simon heard and said, "Wow! It sounds like Dad is, like, in fifth grade!"

Simon, talking about going on Kid Jeopardy: "I hope the prize is something good, like a Lego set, not just something useless, like money."

Simon Reacts to Learning He's Going to Be a Big Brother

Me: "So, there's a very important thing we want to talk to you about."
Simon: "Okay."
Me: "Today I took a test, and it says I'm going to have a baby. You're going to be a big brother."
Simon: "Really?"
Me:"Yeah. What do you think? Do you think that's good?"
Simon: "Uh...as long as it grows up in about one or two days."
Me: "Well, it'll be a baby for a while."
Simon: "Okay. I can handle that. Just, can you put the baby gate near my Lego table so he can't get through?"
Me: "We will figure all that out. But you're going to be a big brother!"
Simon, weakly: "Yay. Then I can teach him all about Star Wars and the best dueling moves in Star Wars, like the backwards lightsaber move. Do you know about Osoka from Star Wars? Well, she always holds her lightsaber backwards. And she always does the first move like this [swings arm]. Yeah. I'm going to teach him that move. It's an awesome move."
Me: "Okay. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet."
Simon: " If I have a sister, I hope that when she grows up, she'll look pretty good."
Me: "What about if you have a brother?"
Simon: "I'm guessing he'll be a big Star Wars fan when I- I mean he- grows up. Because I'll teach him everything about Star Wars and Legos. First time I go to the library, I'll get all the books about Legos, so he can learn all about it.  If it's a girl, we need to get her her own separate room of Lego Friends stuff because Lego Friends is like the new Lego stuff for girls. "
Me: "So, it's important that your new brother or sister likes Legos?"
Simon: "Yeah. Excuse me, I hate the company Lego Friends. But regular Legos: love it. I just don't like Lego Friends because it isn't Legos, man. Right? It just doesn't look like it. "
Me: "Do you have anything else you want to ask us or tell us?"
Simon: "Yup. Uh, can you make sure some of the Star Wars movies aren't too scary before I tell him all about Star Wars?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Thanks. Now back to building Legos."
Jeff, laughing: "I guess that's that."

Later on:
Simon: "I need a baby-to-English translator."