A Crump Christmas 2015

Food Critic

Simon, talking about decorating for Christmas (after Thanksgiving is over) : "Is our tree fake or organic? "

A while ago, Simon learned what diabetes is. Since then, he's been concerned that he has it. He's also thought he had appendicitis. The other, day Simon asked what food poisoning is. I was vague (understandably, considering his recent run of health related fears). After I told him, this conversation ensued:
Simon : "Can you get food poisoning from fruit candies? " , which is what he calls fruit snacks. He was eating them at the time.
Me: No, you don't have food poisoning. You're a little hypochondriac. "
Simon : "What's that? "
Me: "Someone who thinks they have whatever anyone else has, whether they do or not. " Not the most accurate definition, I know.
Simon : "Oh. Is it contagious? "

Simon : "Oliver likes to eat so much I bet he's going to be a food critic when he grows up."

Little Crumb

Simon told me,  "I'm trying to eat healthy. You know, not as much sugar because of that diabetes thing. "


Simon, after noticing Oliver looking at the light: "You know, light can be pretty mesmerizing. "

Simon: "Do you know how Ryland and I joke with each other? I tell a joke and Ryland doesn't respond. Ryland tells a joke and I don't respond. We don't understand each others' jokes, so we don't laugh. That's our thing. "

Simon: "Do you know how Ryland and I joke with each other? I tell a joke and Ryland doesn't respond. Ryland tells a joke and I don't respond. We don't understand each others' jokes, so we don't laugh. That's our thing. "

Simon: "Do you know how Ryland and I joke with each other? I tell a joke and Ryland doesn't respond. Ryland tells a joke and I don't respond. We don't understand each others' jokes, so we don't laugh. That's our thing. "

Simon: "Do you know how Ryland and I joke with each other? I tell a joke and Ryland doesn't respond. Ryland tells a joke and I don't respond. We don't understand each others' jokes, so we don't laugh. That's our thing. "

Simon: "Do you know how Ryland and I joke with each other? I tell a joke and Ryland doesn't respond. Ryland tells a joke and I don't respond. We don't understand each others' jokes, so we don't laugh. That's our thing. "

Unearthly

Centershots Archery

                                              Jay from Lego Ninjago! Happy Halloween!

Simon said excitedly, "I just gave Oliver his pacifier and he's sucking vigorously! "

Simon: "Can you come check my room? I heard a noise even though my light is on. "
Me : "It was probably a nut or something falling on the roof."
Simon: "The noise was way too unearthly for that. "

Simon is a big brother!

Simon watched Space Jam yesterday which inspired him to practice his basketball moves by chucking a ball at an imaginary hoop. This hoop looked an awful lot like my face.

Last night, Simon said to  Jeff incredulously, " You're making tea THIS late? "
Jeff had to explain that his tea doesn't have caffeine.

Simon: "When am I getting an x-ray?"
Me: "If we are ever concerned that you've broken a bone, you'd get one then. "
Simon: "That shot really hurt. I think the needle might have poked my bone. I think I need an x-ray. "

Contracticals

Simon made me a bracelet out of the treads from a Lego tire.

Simon: "Can today be Crazy Hair Day? I mean, we are learning about Einstein. "
Of all his excuses to not brush his hair, this is one of the more creative ones.

Simon was rubbing my stomach yesterday, and talking to Oliver. All of a sudden, he stopped and kind of gently poked my stomach. He explained that he couldn't rub my stomach too much or it might catch on fire. Silly boy!

Simon: "I've got the hiccups, you're pregnant. .. we're all broken. "

Simon: "I want to homeschool through college. Is that allowed? I just like homeschool better. It's fun. Plus, cafeteria food is terrible. It tastes like airline food."
Me: "You've never eaten airline food! "
Simon: "I know, but I heard it's terrible. "

Simon: "Was I destined to be a thinker? "

Simon: "My new thing is saying "Whatev" instead of "whatever"."
Me: "Where did you get that? "
Simon: "Nowhere. I'm just lazy. It's my thing. "
Well, that's going to drive me nuts.

Simon: "Is Oliver giving you more contracticals?"

Yesterday Jeff was playing Legos with Simon. Simon asked if Jeff liked his creation. When Jeff said yes, Simon said, "Good! Your approval is what I was going for. "

Burning Daylight

Simon: "I think one kid is more than enough!"
Me (thinking he's having a hard time with being a sibling): "You're going to love your brother."
Simon: "Not that. I mean, one kid is enough because kids are a handful. I'm a handful. I mean, I want another burger..."

Simon: "I'm full. "
Me, looking up and seeing that he's eaten two bites: "No. You need to eat more than that. "
Simon: "But I ate a lot yesterday! "

Simon: "Come on, Mom! We're burning daylight here! "

Simon: "I think selling indulgences was the first scam."

The Baby Whisperer

Simon is talking about a possible play date with a girl his age. It resulted in this conversation: "Wow, I better change my socks and brush my hair! I don't want her to think that I'm Mr. Dirty or something."
You'd think he'd do those things anyway, but apparently not.

Simon: "I want to go to a flea market and find a really cool Lego set. Or some mac and cheese. "

Simon: "I like to suck the juice out of my orange and swirl it in my mouth. Do you like to do that? "
Me: "I just like to bite the orange and eat it that way. "
Simon: "Ah, the simple, domestic method. "

Simon just called me Miss Jodie. I looked at him and said, "Uh, Simon, you can call me Mom."
He gave me an embarrassed smile and said, "Oops. I just got used to everyone calling you that. "

Yesterday I told Simon I was hot and sweaty. He looked at me in amazement and said, "I didn't know girls sweat! "

Simon talked to my stomach (well, the baby inside) and Little Nugget woke up and started kicking. Jeff told Simon that he can get Oliver to wake up and that he must like the sound of his voice. Simon asked, "So, I'm like the Baby Whisperer?"

Last night Simon was chattering away to a worker at his archery club. He said, "I like Boba Fett because of his rogue personality." He used air quotes around the word "rogue". Funny boy.

Simon hit his head very hard, so I was checking in to make sure he was still doing okay.
Me: "How are you doing? Do you have a headache or a stomachache? "
Simon: "No. Why? "
Me: "Just checking on you. "
Simon, happily: "I love it when you fuss over me! "

Simon helping Dad mow the lawn for the very first time. He loves it!

I told Simon to be careful because his food was hot. He arched a brow at me (I'm so jealous that he can do that! ) and said, "Ooh, the stakes are high. "

Simon: "I'll bet you a thousand. Then you say, "I'll see you and raise you a hot dog". Does that make sense? I don't know how to play poker."
This little monologue came out of nowhere.

Simon, looking at his toothbrush: "Huh. That's odd."
Me: "What? "
Simon: "All my toothbrushes are made in China, except this one. This one came from Bangladesh. "

Spin the Bottle

Simon: "Tim scared the good mood out of Scamps."
Me, laughing: "Really?"
Simon: "I didn't want to say c-r-u-d."

Simon: "I'm really picky."
Me: "Yes, you are. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's. .."
Simon: "Remarkable? "
Jeff: "Sure. Let's go with 'remarkable'."

We bought Simon a cookie from Chick-fil-A today. He read the ingredients list, saw that it contained soy and wheat, and refused to eat it, thinking that it would taste like a plant.

Simon: "I just want to be famous!"
Me: "What do you want to be famous for?"
Simon: "For being in a coloring book."
The crayola website has an option to put your picture in a coloring book. I didn't know that could make a person famous.

Simon: "I'm sorry! This episode [of his show] has a lot of flashing lights. Is your apple-epsy okay?"

We were in the car and Simon asked, "Do you smell anything? "
Jeff said, "I think it's just stale air, buddy. "
Simon answered, "I was asking because I farted and I wanted to know if you smelled it. "
Jeff laughed and said, "Whoever smelt it dealt it. "
Simon said, "Ohhh, I SMELT it! "

So, this just happened:
While praying at bedtime tonight, Simon started out: "Dear God, please forgive me-"
Then he stopped and said, "What?"
Jeff replied, "You can ask for forgiveness."
Simon answered,"I just didn't know what I was saying."
Then he started laughing. He eventually stopped and stared at Jeff bemusedly. Then he said, almost in a hushed tone, "My mind's gone blank!"
Needless to say, Jeff wound up praying.

Simon: "Aw, man! I have to stand up. Standing up is a hard task!"

Simon: "I'm scared of heights! I think it's because of when I was little and Dad accidentally threw me too high and I hit the ceiling."
Jeff, indignantly: "Hey! The ceiling was lower in the hall than in the living room. It's not my fault!"
Simon: "Bwahaha!"

Poor Simon! He's on the tail end (I hope!) of a cold and couldn't sleep last night because of the coughing and drainage. It was heartbreaking listening to him sob, "I hate this whole sequence of events!", (even when he's upset, he still talks like a little old man).

This rather disturbing conversation took place last night
Simon: "Can I play Spin the Bottle? "
Me: "You're not old enough for that. "
Simon: "Oh. What is it?"
Jeff: "It's a game where you spin a bottle and you kiss the person it points at. Do you want to smooch a bunch of people? "
Simon, waggling his eyebrows: "Maybe one person. "

Simon: "Judging by how picky he is, and how much he kicks you, I think Little Nugget will throw fits a lot."

Simon: "If I could go to any time, I'd go to the future so I can laugh at myself if I'm wearing argyle socks. "

Simon, sounding panicked: "My shirt doesn't fit at all! I could barely get my arm in. I think I need a size fourteen! "

Mosey

We headed home pretty late last night. I told Simon that he would have to get ready for bed quickly, so he could get some sleep. He said, "I'll try, but I'm really tired. If I mosey, is it my fault? "

We took Simon to a movie with some friends. He discovered that we were planning on sneaking in some candy. He was very worried that he'd get caught and get in trouble. As we were handing our tickets to the employee and heading to our seats, Simon yelled, "I hope we don't get in trouble for sneaking in candy!"
Either the employee was deaf, or he didn't get paid enough to care.

The movie we saw was Pixar's Inside Out. Simon didn't like it, saying it was "too emotional". I told him that the movie was trying to say that it's okay to be sad and he said, "I don't like movies that tell me how to live my life."

We went to my mom and step-dad's house for the Fourth of July. We ate dinner on their enclosed porch. Simon really loved the chips. He went inside for a minute, then came back and confessed, "I took a chip when I was walking by. I ate under the counter so I was below your line of sight and you wouldn't catch me."
Then he went back inside. We figured he was going to try to sneak another chip, so we made a point to looking at him through the window. Simon walked over to the window and shut all the blinds. Then he locked the door. Rich had his key with him and unlocked the door, and Jeff disciplined Simon for locking us out. I couldn't help: I stayed outside, laughing.

Top Notch

Simon: "Keep God number one on your Life List."

Simon: "I built a haunted castle! Actually, it's not really haunted because I don't want anything too ghastly. I don't want to scare myself, or you."

Simon was playing at a friend's house. I reminded him that he was supposed to be helping to clean up (there was obviously no cleaning going on), and I heard a little voice in the next room say, "Uh oh. She can tell we aren't cleaning. "
I'm not one hundred percent sure whose son it was that said it, but it was pretty funny.

Simon: "Knock, knock."
Me: "Who's there? "
Simon: "Police. "
Me: "Police who? "
Simon: "Policed to meet you. " Pauses for a minute: "I don't get it. "

Simon, looking at my stomach: "I think Oliver is getting pretty bored in there."

Simon, on the subject of whale crackers: "These are top notch."

Simon: "I have about a million Legos, figuratively."
I love that he felt the urge to add that word!

Simon, looking up from the book he was reading in the car: "Wow, Dad! I thought we were still in the apartment! Either you're a great driver, or you really put the metal to the pedal!"

While eating dinner with friends: "Sometimes Mom says snakes are poisonous, instead of saying "venomous". It's really annoying. No offense. "

Mind of a Tiger

Simon: "I have the mind of a tiger and the stealth of a panther. Why else would I go crazy at night sometimes and mess up my bed? Mind of a tiger, man. "

Simon, trying to figure out why he hasn't had an answer to the fan letter he wrote to his favorite author: "Maybe he's gone and he's not coming back. As in d-e-a-d."
Me: "I really doubt he's dead. Usually when a famous author passes away, you hear about it on the news. "
Simon: "Maybe he lost his pencil! "

Simon: "I just invented a new food. Ready? It's a waffle with syrup and vanilla ice cream on it, all rolled up."

Simon: "Hey, Mom?"
Me: "Yeah, buddy?"
Simon: "I'm glad you're my mom."
Me: "Well, I'm glad you're my son."
Simon: "I'm glad Dad is my dad."
Me: "I'm glad he is too."
Simon: "Can I have another kiss goodnight? The last one didn't take."

Simon was coloring a conquistador mask for history. He said that "nothing says "bold" like periwinkle." I bet he's the first ever periwinkle conquistador.

Flying Blind

Simon: "I don't want to eat this piece of French Toast. It's crippled."
Jeff, looking scandalized: "You can't say that!"
Simon: "Why not?"
Jeff tried to explain why, while I laughed uproariously at his discomfiture. It turns out Simon meant to say "crinkled".

Simon just read Cyrus the Unsinkable Sea Serpent by Bill Peet. He excitedly told me that he thinks the ship in the book belongs to Magellan.

Simon, looking for a specific Lego piece: "Excuse me, Mom? I'm flying blind here. "

I told Simon it was time for him to get up and get ready for VBS. He rolled over and sleepily said, "No can do, bro."

Simon: "There are some kids who can't afford toys or food. I want to sell some of my Legos for five or ten cents, and give the money to charity."

Simon: "Do you know what's great? Young love. "
He said this with a goofy look on his face, after sighing.

What Simon Thinks of Jeff and I

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your Child's age.
Simon, Age 7
1. What is something mom always says to you?
"Come on!"
2. What makes mom happy?
"Seeing me happy"
3. What makes mom sad?
"Seeing me sad. "
4. How does your mom make you laugh?
"Making funny faces"
5. What was your mom like as a child?
"Like me."
6. How old is your mom?
"I'd say thirteen or fourteen. "
7. How tall is your mom?
"I'd say fourteen inches".
8. What is her favorite thing to do?
"Make me smile."
9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
"Play video games with Dad"
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
"Personality"
11. What is your mom really good at?
"Making me laugh. "
12. What is your mom not very good at?
"Making Dad laugh. "
13. What does your mom do for a job?
"Take care of me. "
14.What is your mom's favorite food?
"Mac & Cheese"
15.What makes you proud of your mom?
"Your good parenting".
16. If your mom were a character, who would she be?
"You would be...I actually kind of see you as...what's the leader of the Penguin's of Madagascar Team? I think it's Rico. Yeah. "
17. What do you and your mom do together?
"Play around. "
18. How are you and your mom the same?
"We both like the same things".
19. How are you and your mom different?
"We also don't like the same things. "
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"You tell me so".
21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
"Um...you just like him. "
22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
"Home."
23. How old was your Mom when you were born?
"Thirteen"


1. What is something Dad always says to you?
"Hey!"
2. What makes Dad happy?
"Me"
3. What makes Dad sad?
"Me being sad."
4. How does your dad make you laugh?
"He is funny. "
5. What was your dad like as a child?
"Geeky like me."
6. How old is your dad?
"Forty, to be on the safe side."
7. How tall is your dad?
"Same as you"
8. What is his favorite thing to do?
"Make me laugh"
9. What does your dad do when you're not around?
"Play video games with you."
10. If your dad becomes famous, what will it be for?
"His looks, 'cause he's so handsome"
11. What is your dad really good at?
"Okay, I've got it: making me laugh"
12. What is your dad not very good at?
"I don't know."
13. What does your dad do for a job?
"Money stuff."
14.What is your dad's favorite food?
"Mac & Cheese"
15.What makes you proud of your dad?
"His funnyness"
16. If your dad were a character, who would she be?
"He would be Batman or Superman. And I would definitely be Robin"
17. What do you and your dad do together?
"Play video games."
18. How are you and your dad the same?
"We both like video games, and comics, and other geeky stuff. "
19. How are you and your dad different?
"We both like two different things."
20. How do you know your dad loves you?
"He says he does."
21. What does your dad like most about your mom?
"I'm not sure."
22. Where is your dad's favorite place to go?
"Home".
23. How old was your dad when you were born?
"Forty"

Runaway Girls' Night

Simon: "Are you going to have a runaway girls' night? "
Me: "What's that? "
Simon: "It's where you run away so me and Dad can have a guys' night. "

Simon: "When you're done being pregnant, I'm going to teach you some Karate Kwan Do moves. "
Apparently, Simon has come up with his own martial art. Ha ha!

Simon: "I tried to teach Scamps some basic Spanish, but she didn't care. "
He tried to teach her the words "Hola" and "Azul". How would a cat react to those words anyway?

Simon: "Mom, I have a question: how long do you have to stick your tongue out before it dries out? "

Simon got out of bed after he was supposed to be in for the night, and said to me, "I require more hugs and kisses from the mommage."

Rocking Chair

Simon: "I'm the king of mastering the rocking chair! Look, no hands! "
Guess what piece of furniture we got today?

Simon: "We should move to a state that has a lot of snow. Like California. "

Batting Cages

Jeff: "I really want to visit the batting cages."
Simon: "Is that the cage where the bats live?"

Simon: "I never want to wear a tuxedo again. "
Me: "Why not? You looked handsome. "
Simon: "Yeah. Too handsome. Do you know what I'm getting at? I don't want to wear a tuxedo and look too fancy. "
Me, jokingly: "Girls like it when a man looks fancy. "
Simon: "Okay, I want to look fancy. "

Simon shares some viewpoints on the new baby:
Simon: "Are you sure you're pregnant and you didn't just eat too much food and that's why you're sick?"
Me: "No, buddy. I'm pregnant. Remember the pictures we showed you?"
Simon: "But it just looked like a watermelon. I don't want to have a baby."
Me: "Why not?"
Simon: "I don't want to change poopy diapers."
Me: "Dad and I will take care of the poopy diapers. You can play with the baby, and hold it."
Simon: "But what if it poopy diapers me while I'm holding it? You know, like a house getting egged, except I'm the house?"

Legoland and Crypress Gardens

The Definition of Clean

Simon: "My definition of 'clean' and yours are different. It gets me in trouble sometimes. "

Simon: "Man, I'm a silly kid!"
Me: "I like silly kids. "
Simon: "Don't we all? Do you know what I don't like? Discomfort. "

Me: "I can't believe you're almost seven! "
Simon: "I know. "
Me: "When did that happen? "
Simon: "I don't know. That's the problem. "

Simon: "I'm making a comic, but there is a lot of dialogue and I don't think I can write that small. Will you write the words? I can pay you a quarter."

How to Discipline a Baby

We were talking with Simon today about learning to change diapers and help with the baby. I told him that if he learned how to take really good care of babies, he could babysit when he was older to earn a little money. He said, "I'll just let the baby crawl on the floor, and squirt it with a water bottle if it misbehaves."
Um...you don't discipline a baby the way you discipline a cat, buddy.

Simon: "I think the reason we can't see God is so we don't wake up in the middle of the night, see Him sitting there, and get startled. "

Simon: "Mom, guess what? When I walk toward Scamps, she doesn't recoil in horror anymore! "
Me: "Did she ever do that? "
Simon, laughing: "Oh, yes. "

Simon: "Is lunch making you sick?"
Me: "Not so far."
Simon: "The baby found some food he likes? Yay!"

Simon: "Did you know that God contacts prophets using dreams? He doesn't text them! Ha ha ha!"

Big Trouble

Simon: " I have to admit, Dad is the best dad. "
Simon: "I think Tim is sending me a mental message."
Me: "Really? What is he saying?"
Simon, looking at me like I've just asked the most ridiculous question imaginable: "Mom, I'm human. I don't speak Cat."

Simon is already coming up with April Fools Day pranks to play on Jeff. As of right now, he wants to put sugar in Jeff's coffee, instead of salt, and put a lid on his coffee so it's harder to drink. I don't think Jeff was aware that he usually puts salt in his coffee.

Simon: "The next time Tim gets on the counter, he's in trouble. Big trouble. And I'm bringing it to him. "

Walking into Babies R Us with us today, Simon said, "This place is irking me. See how my eye is twitching? "
Then he quickly blinked his eye a bunch of times.

I was talking with Jeff about his school, and how he's close to graduating with his Bachelor's degree. Simon heard and said, "Wow! It sounds like Dad is, like, in fifth grade!"

Simon, talking about going on Kid Jeopardy: "I hope the prize is something good, like a Lego set, not just something useless, like money."

Simon Reacts to Learning He's Going to Be a Big Brother

Me: "So, there's a very important thing we want to talk to you about."
Simon: "Okay."
Me: "Today I took a test, and it says I'm going to have a baby. You're going to be a big brother."
Simon: "Really?"
Me:"Yeah. What do you think? Do you think that's good?"
Simon: "Uh...as long as it grows up in about one or two days."
Me: "Well, it'll be a baby for a while."
Simon: "Okay. I can handle that. Just, can you put the baby gate near my Lego table so he can't get through?"
Me: "We will figure all that out. But you're going to be a big brother!"
Simon, weakly: "Yay. Then I can teach him all about Star Wars and the best dueling moves in Star Wars, like the backwards lightsaber move. Do you know about Osoka from Star Wars? Well, she always holds her lightsaber backwards. And she always does the first move like this [swings arm]. Yeah. I'm going to teach him that move. It's an awesome move."
Me: "Okay. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet."
Simon: " If I have a sister, I hope that when she grows up, she'll look pretty good."
Me: "What about if you have a brother?"
Simon: "I'm guessing he'll be a big Star Wars fan when I- I mean he- grows up. Because I'll teach him everything about Star Wars and Legos. First time I go to the library, I'll get all the books about Legos, so he can learn all about it.  If it's a girl, we need to get her her own separate room of Lego Friends stuff because Lego Friends is like the new Lego stuff for girls. "
Me: "So, it's important that your new brother or sister likes Legos?"
Simon: "Yeah. Excuse me, I hate the company Lego Friends. But regular Legos: love it. I just don't like Lego Friends because it isn't Legos, man. Right? It just doesn't look like it. "
Me: "Do you have anything else you want to ask us or tell us?"
Simon: "Yup. Uh, can you make sure some of the Star Wars movies aren't too scary before I tell him all about Star Wars?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Thanks. Now back to building Legos."
Jeff, laughing: "I guess that's that."

Later on:
Simon: "I need a baby-to-English translator."

Shake, Be Paranoid

Simon, talking to our cat: "Scamps, you amaze me. And by amaze me, I mean you make me want to laugh. "

Simon has a little journal filled with questions he can answer (I suspect that it's intended for older children), like "What's your favorite school subject?", and such whatnot. One of the questions is, "What celebrity are you like?", which is a weird question anyway. Simon asked me if I would help him spell his answer which was, "Paul Cumberbatch. You know, the Sherlock guy."

Simon heard the song "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" at the end of the movie Clue. He said the song should be named "Shake, Be Paranoid" since all the characters in the movie are paranoid.

Simon: "We need to train Tim to be an attack cat."
Me: "Why? What do you want him to attack."
Simon: "Bandits."
Me: "You think there are a lot of bandits around here?"
Simon: "Well, he could protect other people too. Better safe than sorry."

Mario World

Upon learning that Prince John raised taxes, Simon said, "He didn't even sell lemonade or have a bake sale? Come on!"

Simon's prayer tonight: "Dear God, Thank you that I got to play Mario World! Please don't make me eat green beans again. Thanks!"

Simon: "I created a new style of art. It's called "Funky". We better tell the art news people."

Simon: "Mom, I need a locker."
Me: "What would you put in it?"
Simon, smirking: "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Me: "Simon, do you remember who encouraged the crusades to start?"
Simon: "The head honcho?"
The answer I was looking for was "the Pope".

Simon: "I'm not that good with electronics. There. I finally admitted it."

Medieval Fair

Jeff and Simon waiting for the joust to start.

Sir Marcus, the knight our side was cheering for.

How Simon reacted when his favorite knight was unhorsed.

In between the standing people is an orc. I laughed so hard.

Throwing stars!

Simon rode a horse!

He hit the target two out of three times and had a cheering squad.

Certificate of bravery in battle

Simon fenced against a brave opponent. His opponent allowed him to win. It was sweet.

Sir Simon of the Emerald Hills!