Saturday, October 28, 2017


Simon: "Do you know what to do in a war? You put a flag from every country up in front of your house, so everyone knows you're neutral."
Me: "But what if you think someone is in the wrong?"
Simon: "Then you don't put up that flag, and they bomb your house."
Me: "Yikes!"
Simon: "Hey, people do stupid things in wars."

Simon: "Did you know that Florida is Spain's hand-me-down? That's hilarious!'
Me: Who's the second President?"
Simon: "No idea."
Me: "John Adams."
Simon: "I was close."
How was he close?
Simon and I were playing video games and my character defeated his. He shouted, "Well, there's my come uppence!"
Me, wiping down Oliver's high chair tray: "Oliver's fascination with peanut butter is messy."
Simon: "Yes, his infestation of peanut butter is REALLY messy!"
Simon: "Do you know what talent you have that I love?"
Me: "What?"
Simon: "You can almost always understand me when I talk with my mouth full."

Friday, October 6, 2017

Potential Dust

Me: "Do you remember where we are in history? Remember the-?"
Simon: "Alarmo?"
Simon: "Seeing bugs gets my are-d-lin flowing."
Me: "Your what?"
Simon: "You know, that thing that makes your blood pump. Are-d-lin."
Me: "Adrenaline?"
Simon: "Whatever it is, I just don't like bugs."
After vacuuming, Simon said, " I'm going to go wash the potential dust off my fingers."
Simon: "Kids are afraid of the dark. Grown ups are afraid of taxes. It's weird, but that's how the world works."

Sunday, August 13, 2017


Simon told me he's a "geekasaurus".
Simon: "You know me so well, you know me better than I know myself. It's annoying."
Me: " Really? Why is it annoying?"
Simon: "How am I supposed to get to know myself if you know me better?"
Simon: "You know how people say baseball is America's pastime?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Well, nowadays I think it's yelling. I mean, they even yell in baseball!"
Simon says he wants to sell Jello on a stick to help earn money for a Lego set he wants. He also has a backup plan for when he runs out of Jello: he'll sell ice for five cents a cube.
Simon:"What did the worker at the trampoline factory say when someone asked if he liked his job?"
Me: "I don't know. What?"
Simon: "He said, "It has its ups and downs"."

I told Simon to clip his nails. He held up the nail clippers and dramatically said, "Tyranny! I curse the day these things were invented!"
Simon: "If you had to pick only one, what would you say my most charming character trait is?"
Me: "Charming? Well, I love how kind-hearted you are."
Simon: "Really? I thought you'd say my excellent hearing."
Simon: "I hate allergies! Why did God create them?"
Me: "I don't know. You'll have to ask Him when you see Him"
Simon: "I'm not dying just to ask Him that!"
Last night I learned that Simon thinks "railrang" is a word, and "railing" isn't. He didn't believe me when I told him. The situation grew quite heated: multiple dictionaries were consulted. He even paused in the middle of the game we were playing to look it up. Words are very important in our house.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Inappropriate Garments

Simon: "I'm having a cup o' Moe and you're having a cup o' Joe. Together, it makes Mojo, also known as moxie. Caffeine gives us our moxie."
He's decided that a mug of hot chocolate is a "cup o'Moe".
Simon is saving his allowance for a particular Lego set. He talks about it non-stop. Last night he said, "I'll do anything to get it. I'll even eat green beans while walking across hot coals! Well, the green beans might make me gag. I'll walk on coals, though!"
Simon: "Is that music coming from your phone because you're on hold?"
Me, sighing: "Yes."
Simon: "That is so cool!"
Simon: "Do you know what I do when I have a bad dream? I pretend it was a bad tv show and I change the channel."
Simon: "I think I need to learn to settle disputes in an orderly manner."
Simon came out of his room in his winter pj's this morning. He said, "Isn't it weird that I'm in these inappropriate garments?"
Then he wanted to know why I always use fancy words.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017


Simon, listening to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture: "This sounds like something the Animaniacs would write."
Simon: " That look is great on you!"
Me, still in pj's : Thank you. What "look"?"
Simon: "Tired."

Simon told me, " My mind is like an empty house for rent. People come in- those are my memories- then they look around and leave if they don't want to live there. Which most people- my memories- don't."
This was his excuse this morning for memorizing all the Pokemon names, then claiming his memory was too bad to answer any school-related questions.

Baby Einstein was on and the song "If You're Happy and You Know It" was playing with a bunch of different babies and toddlers doing the moves. Simon looked and said, "That baby doesn't look happy! He just looks chubby!"

Friday, March 31, 2017

Jedi Fuzzyhead

Simon is having a foam lightsaber "fight" with Oliver. It's caused some funny comments:
Simon, referencing the oft-criticized high ground comment in the Star Wars prequels (which he hasn't seen because I refuse to admit they're canon): "If having the high ground means you win, I'll always win. Sorry, Oliver, I have the high ground because I'm taller."
Simon: " Every time Oliver ducks, his hair floofs. He's Jedi Fuzzyhead!"

Simon: "Sorry, did I just look offended?"
Me: "A little."
Simon: " I wasn't. Well, I did accidentally fart at that moment."

Each year, Simon gets to have whatever meal he wants on his birthday. We asked him if he had any ideas for this year and he said, "I want to eat at the school cafeteria that's at the hospital!"

Simon said Aquaman is the king of the sea. I jokingly told him that it would be cooler if he was also the king of the Nile, or Lake Michigan, not just the sea. Simon told me, "Well, Aquaman could colonize!"

Simon: " A mom's heartbeat is soothing to some people until they're in their late thirties."

Simon: "Hey,Mom. Do you want to put so much makeup on your eyes that it looks like you've spilled paint on them?"
Me: "Why?"
Simon: " I don't know, but that magazine is advertising that much makeup."

Simon was musing at the zoo: "I wonder if lions ever bite their tongues."

Jeff's company was just bought out by a Mexican train company. The boss didn't tell anyone until after everyone saw it on the news. Jeff was explaining the merger to me and I said, "It's weird that they didn't tell you guys. It's like--"
Simon yelled from the backseat, "SURPRISE! We're Mexican!"

Friday, January 6, 2017

Emotional Roller Coaster

Simon is in fine form this morning.
Me: "I guess Oliver doesn't like jam."
Simon: "I bet he thinks it's rancid salsa."
I burst out laughing and he added: "I see I struck a nerve. Maybe even a ...funny bone? "

The "Twelve Days of Christmas " is playing in the background. Simon said, "Why don't those two get married already? Obviously, they love each other! I mean, they keep getting each other ridiculous gifts. Five golden rings? Come on! And what would you do with calling birds! ? I guess the rings are more practical if you get married and and you're accident prone and lose the other four rings."

Simon: "Why do I get the feeling you can do everything politely, even burp?"

Simon : "I wonder who put the alphabet in alphabetical order? You know, a...b...c..."

Yesterday I was musing to Jeff about the types of attractions Dolly World might have. Simon shouted, "Maybe there's an emotional roller coaster!"

He got his flu shot yesterday. Now, Simon is wandering around, rubbing his arm, and saying, "I hate that I got shot! "

I let Simon drink some hot chocolate. He took a few sips, then told me, "I noticed that I drink with my pinkie out. I believe I'm turning British. "
He said that last part with an atrocious attempt at an accent.

We took a trip to Target to pick up some things. Simon noticed some women's underwear that had a Star Wars design. He remarked that it was weird. Jeff said, "Why is it weird? You have had socks with Star Wars print before. "
Without missing a beat, Simon answered, "I don't think I'd want to feel the Force down THERE! "