Tuesday, September 27, 2016

The Day The Warranty Expired

Simon: "I want to make a movie called "The Day the Warranty Expired". The teaser on the cover will say ,"Does anyone have the courage to renew it? ", and it will be about some parents whose house is falling apart and the warranty is going to expire. They have to race to renew it. "

Simon: "If I can't get a job job when I grow up, I'll just host a game show called "You are Correct"."

Oliver was crying on the way home last night. Simon looked at him and yelled, "He's homesick! He looks homesick and depressed. "

Simon said, "I think the reason Oliver and I aren't the same age is if we were, we could only gabble at each other. Since I'm older, I can help with Oliver and make him smile. "

Simon just told me that he wants a mood ring so that he'll know when he's getting angry and he'll calm down.

After reading the back of his AWANA book, Simon yelled excitedly: "Mom! Did you know I can get scholars hip money? "
Me: "What? "
Simon: "Scholars hip money! Scholars hip! "
Me: "Oh. ..do you mean "scholarship?" money? "
Simon: "Yeah, whatever. What is that? "
Me: "It's money that gets put toward paying for college. "
Simon, sounding disappointed : "Oh. I thought someone was just going to give me money. "

Fried Calamari

Jeff asked Simon what he wanted for breakfast and Simon, grinning, answered, "Wallabies and black eye soup!"

Simon: "Who are you going to vote for? "
Me: "I don't know. I don't like any of the candidates. "
Simon: "Can I run? "
Me: "You're too young, buddy."
Simon: "What about you? You'd be a great president! "
Me: "Thanks. I wouldn't want to be, though. "
Simon: "But you'd be better at it than these other people! Jeesh! I know how to win an election : just be nice. "

Simon: "Why does all of Oliver's food smell putrid and disgusting? "

Earlier I was talking with Simon, holding Oliver, and making dinner at the same time. Simon, looking impressed, told me, "You have level three multitasking. "

Simon, talking to me about a toy that Oliver has with an ocean theme: "Man, I want to stick that thing in the oven! Fried calamari, anyone? Badum tish!"

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Simon asked, "What is that? "
I told Simon that I'm tired. He went into the kitchen and started rummaging through our refrigerator. I asked what he was doing and he answered, "I'm making you a latte."

Me: "Weird. Oliver likes his green beans tonight. "
Simon: "That's because he's delusional."

Simon tried to say "For Pete's sake" but instead he said, " For Green Peace sake!".

While at the grocery store, Simon saw a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He incredulously said, "If it's not butter, then what is it? "

Simon: "Technology makes people weak! I mean, what will happen when all technology stops working? People will just lie around all day, then they'll have to stand up to turn the TV on the old fashioned way! "
He said this like it was the worst thing ever.

Simon said, "My rule is, "Speak softly and carry a big Lego" ."

In the grocery section of the store, Simon asked, "What is red velvet? "
Jeff answered, "It's cake."
Simon said, "Oh. I thought it was velvet carpet. "

Yesterday Simon told me, "I love my stretchy shorts. They make my legs articulate. "

Monday, April 18, 2016

Bring Down a Deer

Simon was given a Nerf bow by his grandparents for his birthday. He excitedly yelled, "When I'm older, I might be able to bring down a deer with this!"

Simon: "Do you know what I don't like? Signs and words that use 'z' instead of 's'."
A kid after my own heart.

Talking about food we like, I told Simon that lamb is my favorite meat. He said, "I bet that's really expensive in England! It sounds fancy so I bet it's from somewhere mysterious, like England. And stuff is expensive there. "

Simon : "I'm really good at chess. I wonder how God is going to use that gift. "

Simon : "I'd like to apologize to you on my behalf."

Simon : "Do you know how most public schools have bullies? Well, our school only has one student and it's me. I'm not mean so I'm not a bully, which means there are no bullies, so we have the ultimate school."

Simon : "I require a pith helmet. "
Me: "Um...you know you don't have one, right? "
Simon: " We can make one. I hear they're doing some splendid things with fabric lately. "

Simon : "I'm so embarrassed! "
Me:" Why? "
Simon, after a pause : "I don't know. That is so embarrassing! "
Me: "So, you're embarrassed that you don't remember why you're embarrassed? "
Simon: "Yes."

Friday, March 4, 2016


Simon : "Mom, if you're a nerd, then welcome to the club. "

Me: "Simon, I don't mean to stamp on your happy, but you can't possibly do a good job brushing your teeth if you're humming the "Imperial March"."
Simon : "I'm not humming the "Imperial March"! I'm singing "The Carol of the Bells"!"

Me: "Will you read to Oliver? "
Simon : :I don't read out loud in public. "
Me: "We aren't in public. We're in the privacy of our home. "
Simon : "I only read out loud in really private places, like the bathroom in an airplane. "

Simon : "Do I have the Hawaii flu? "
Me, taken aback : "What? "
Simon: "I read about it in Garfield. I have all the symptoms. It's pretty serious.

Learning about the German holiday St. Martin's Day, Simon said, "St. Martin ripped his cloak and gave it to a baker. That's random. "
I answered, "Buddy, you misread that. It says he gave it to a beggar."
Simon said, "Ah. That makes more sense. "

Aunt Amber  asked Simon if he likes being a big brother. He answered, "Ish. Okay. .I love it! "
If only she had seen the huge grin on his face.

I overheard Simon telling someone , "Once you learn how to read you will love it. "

Me: "Oliver has glitter on his head. Where did that come from? " Simon: "Maybe you accidentally ate some glitter when you were pregnant. You know, what you eat he eats when you're pregnant. "

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Stress Eater

Simon: "Oli- Dad, I almost called you Oliver!"
Jeff, pretending to be offended: "Hey, I made Oliver!"
Simon, pointing to his stomach: "Actually, Mom did."
Jeff: "I helped! Oliver is part Mom and part me."
Simon: "Just like me! So, technically , I helped too."

Simon : "Mom, I saw a book in your room that would be great since we're learning about Germany! "
Me: "What book? "
Simon : "Irish Fairy and Folk Tales."

Jeff had been singing "The Wheels On The Bus" for quite a while, in an attempt to keep Oliver calm. After fifteen or so verses, he ran out of things on the bus, so he asked Simon to sing a verse. Simon promptly sang, "The Stan Lee on the bus says "Excelsior" all through the town"." He's definitely a nerd.

Simon, sounding exasperated : "It's hard to be the man of the hour if you have to go to bed at eight o'clock at night. "

Simon: "I want to squoosh Oliver's baby chub so badly!"

Simon just said, "To quote myself ". Ha ha ha!

Simon is Mr. Questions today. These are just a few: "Who was the first scientist", "Why do saltines have little holes in them?", "Will Oliver forget if I'm a bad example since he's so little? ", "Who invented the maze?", and my personal favorite, "Can Oliver fart so hard that he'll blow a hole in his pants? ".

Simon, looking at a book I have, asked, "Did you get this in 2014?"
When I answered that I possibly got it then ( I am not sure exactly since books tend to follow me home. At least, that's my excuse ), he excitedly said, "It's two years old! It's a relic!"

Simon : "Oliver is a stress eater. It's not healthy. "

Simon : "I can't believe you're playing peek-a-boo with Oliver! "
Me: "Why not? "
Simon : "Because it's so undignified! "

Simon : "I'm going to build a time machine, and go back in time to find the person that invented cleaning and let them have it."

Simon : "If I ever get a pet fish, the name "Sushi" comes to mind. "

Me: "Simon, stop hanging out on my bed in your underwear. You look like you're trying to be a Calvin Klein model."
Simon : "Is that a person who takes too many before and after selfies?"

Today Simon asked if there is a disease that makes your eyelashes grow too long. When I told him no, he paused, then said, "Good to know. "

Friday, January 1, 2016

Jango Bells

Simon,singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells": "Jango Bells, Jango Bells,Jango all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a Mandalorian sleigh!"

Simon went to a cousins gift exchange party. They had a real Christmas tree up, instead of an artificial one. Simon exclaimed, "Their tree is all-natural!"

Simon: "I don't like Frosty the Snowman! I'm happy he melted."