Friday, January 6, 2017

Emotional Roller Coaster

Simon is in fine form this morning.
Me: "I guess Oliver doesn't like jam."
Simon: "I bet he thinks it's rancid salsa."
I burst out laughing and he added: "I see I struck a nerve. Maybe even a ...funny bone? "

The "Twelve Days of Christmas " is playing in the background. Simon said, "Why don't those two get married already? Obviously, they love each other! I mean, they keep getting each other ridiculous gifts. Five golden rings? Come on! And what would you do with calling birds! ? I guess the rings are more practical if you get married and and you're accident prone and lose the other four rings."

Simon: "Why do I get the feeling you can do everything politely, even burp?"

Simon : "I wonder who put the alphabet in alphabetical order? You know, a...b...c..."

Yesterday I was musing to Jeff about the types of attractions Dolly World might have. Simon shouted, "Maybe there's an emotional roller coaster!"

He got his flu shot yesterday. Now, Simon is wandering around, rubbing his arm, and saying, "I hate that I got shot! "

I let Simon drink some hot chocolate. He took a few sips, then told me, "I noticed that I drink with my pinkie out. I believe I'm turning British. "
He said that last part with an atrocious attempt at an accent.

We took a trip to Target to pick up some things. Simon noticed some women's underwear that had a Star Wars design. He remarked that it was weird. Jeff said, "Why is it weird? You have had socks with Star Wars print before. "
Without missing a beat, Simon answered, "I don't think I'd want to feel the Force down THERE! "

Monday, November 7, 2016


"I wonder what sheep sound like when they burp."

"How do you make a wedgie? I understand the concept, but I don't know how to accomplish it. "

Simon: "Where is Dad?"
Me: "He's on his way to work."
Simon: "But what about that extra hour? "
Me: "Fallback happened yesterday, Buddy."
Simon: "Aw, but it should still be happening today! I should still get an extra hour with Dad!"

Simon: "Who's winning the votes? "
Me: "We don't know who has won yet, but Trump and Clinton are the ones to beat. "
Simon: "If you are old enough to vote, can you vote? I don't want them to win. Clinton is dishonest and Trump is too Trumpy. I mean, he's not very nice. And he's not trustworthy. And if he makes a wall, it probably won't be very strong because the workers won't build it strong since he won't be nice to them. And if Clinton wins, she might make a tax that takes my allowance! "

Simon: "When I'm grown-up and I make all my own food, do you know what I'm going to make? "
Me: "What? "
Simon: "Chip dust. "

Halloween 2016

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

The Day The Warranty Expired

Simon: "I want to make a movie called "The Day the Warranty Expired". The teaser on the cover will say ,"Does anyone have the courage to renew it? ", and it will be about some parents whose house is falling apart and the warranty is going to expire. They have to race to renew it. "

Simon: "If I can't get a job job when I grow up, I'll just host a game show called "You are Correct"."

Oliver was crying on the way home last night. Simon looked at him and yelled, "He's homesick! He looks homesick and depressed. "

Simon said, "I think the reason Oliver and I aren't the same age is if we were, we could only gabble at each other. Since I'm older, I can help with Oliver and make him smile. "

Simon just told me that he wants a mood ring so that he'll know when he's getting angry and he'll calm down.

After reading the back of his AWANA book, Simon yelled excitedly: "Mom! Did you know I can get scholars hip money? "
Me: "What? "
Simon: "Scholars hip money! Scholars hip! "
Me: "Oh. ..do you mean "scholarship?" money? "
Simon: "Yeah, whatever. What is that? "
Me: "It's money that gets put toward paying for college. "
Simon, sounding disappointed : "Oh. I thought someone was just going to give me money. "

Fried Calamari

Jeff asked Simon what he wanted for breakfast and Simon, grinning, answered, "Wallabies and black eye soup!"

Simon: "Who are you going to vote for? "
Me: "I don't know. I don't like any of the candidates. "
Simon: "Can I run? "
Me: "You're too young, buddy."
Simon: "What about you? You'd be a great president! "
Me: "Thanks. I wouldn't want to be, though. "
Simon: "But you'd be better at it than these other people! Jeesh! I know how to win an election : just be nice. "

Simon: "Why does all of Oliver's food smell putrid and disgusting? "

Earlier I was talking with Simon, holding Oliver, and making dinner at the same time. Simon, looking impressed, told me, "You have level three multitasking. "

Simon, talking to me about a toy that Oliver has with an ocean theme: "Man, I want to stick that thing in the oven! Fried calamari, anyone? Badum tish!"

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Simon asked, "What is that? "
I told Simon that I'm tired. He went into the kitchen and started rummaging through our refrigerator. I asked what he was doing and he answered, "I'm making you a latte."

Me: "Weird. Oliver likes his green beans tonight. "
Simon: "That's because he's delusional."

Simon tried to say "For Pete's sake" but instead he said, " For Green Peace sake!".

While at the grocery store, Simon saw a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He incredulously said, "If it's not butter, then what is it? "

Simon: "Technology makes people weak! I mean, what will happen when all technology stops working? People will just lie around all day, then they'll have to stand up to turn the TV on the old fashioned way! "
He said this like it was the worst thing ever.

Simon said, "My rule is, "Speak softly and carry a big Lego" ."

In the grocery section of the store, Simon asked, "What is red velvet? "
Jeff answered, "It's cake."
Simon said, "Oh. I thought it was velvet carpet. "

Yesterday Simon told me, "I love my stretchy shorts. They make my legs articulate. "

Monday, April 18, 2016

Bring Down a Deer

Simon was given a Nerf bow by his grandparents for his birthday. He excitedly yelled, "When I'm older, I might be able to bring down a deer with this!"

Simon: "Do you know what I don't like? Signs and words that use 'z' instead of 's'."
A kid after my own heart.

Talking about food we like, I told Simon that lamb is my favorite meat. He said, "I bet that's really expensive in England! It sounds fancy so I bet it's from somewhere mysterious, like England. And stuff is expensive there. "

Simon : "I'm really good at chess. I wonder how God is going to use that gift. "

Simon : "I'd like to apologize to you on my behalf."

Simon : "Do you know how most public schools have bullies? Well, our school only has one student and it's me. I'm not mean so I'm not a bully, which means there are no bullies, so we have the ultimate school."

Simon : "I require a pith helmet. "
Me: "Um...you know you don't have one, right? "
Simon: " We can make one. I hear they're doing some splendid things with fabric lately. "

Simon : "I'm so embarrassed! "
Me:" Why? "
Simon, after a pause : "I don't know. That is so embarrassing! "
Me: "So, you're embarrassed that you don't remember why you're embarrassed? "
Simon: "Yes."

Friday, March 4, 2016


Simon : "Mom, if you're a nerd, then welcome to the club. "

Me: "Simon, I don't mean to stamp on your happy, but you can't possibly do a good job brushing your teeth if you're humming the "Imperial March"."
Simon : "I'm not humming the "Imperial March"! I'm singing "The Carol of the Bells"!"

Me: "Will you read to Oliver? "
Simon : :I don't read out loud in public. "
Me: "We aren't in public. We're in the privacy of our home. "
Simon : "I only read out loud in really private places, like the bathroom in an airplane. "

Simon : "Do I have the Hawaii flu? "
Me, taken aback : "What? "
Simon: "I read about it in Garfield. I have all the symptoms. It's pretty serious.

Learning about the German holiday St. Martin's Day, Simon said, "St. Martin ripped his cloak and gave it to a baker. That's random. "
I answered, "Buddy, you misread that. It says he gave it to a beggar."
Simon said, "Ah. That makes more sense. "

Aunt Amber  asked Simon if he likes being a big brother. He answered, "Ish. Okay. .I love it! "
If only she had seen the huge grin on his face.

I overheard Simon telling someone , "Once you learn how to read you will love it. "

Me: "Oliver has glitter on his head. Where did that come from? " Simon: "Maybe you accidentally ate some glitter when you were pregnant. You know, what you eat he eats when you're pregnant. "