Simon: "I feel like I really need to build a penthouse."

Simon: "I would never want to be Superman. It must hurt to have lasers shoot out of your eyes."

Alkaseltzer

Simon: "What's Al-Qaida?"
Me: "It's a terrorist group."
Simon: "Oh. I thought it was that stuff you put in soda. Oh, wait- that's alkaseltzer."


Me: "Look at the flowers. Aren't they pretty?"
Simon: "And possibly deadly."
Only Simon.

Simon: "Why did they put classifieds in the paper? It's not classified if everyone knows about it!"

Simon informed me that he had testicular cancer in his stomach.

Me: "I wonder if I have a shortage of the vitamin that helps with memory. I think it might be B12. I was tested for that once, but it was quite a while ago."
Simon: "I bet you don't remember when. Ha!"

Curmudgeon

Simon: "I didn't really like the movie Coco."|
Me: "Really? Why not?"
Simon: "The ending is really emotional. I don't like movies that make me feel emotions!"

Simon: "What's the name of that old, big green playdough thing? Gumbo?"Simon: "Oliver is so grumpy, he doesn't just need sleep, he should PURSUE it."Simon: "The graphics on your phone are amazing!"
Me: "You know what? The graphics in real life are amazing."
Simon laughed so hard that he choked on his drink. I think I've found my target audience: kids think I'm hilarious.

Simon has started calling Ollie "Curmudgeon". I can't get mad because Jeff and I sometimes call him "Swamp Butt". Simon said, "I called Oliver "Teeny Bopper" like, five times in a row because I was cross with him."
He's 9 going on 60. And, apparently, he's British.


Simon: "My nose just started running for no reason. It was a spontaneous combustion!" 
Ew.

Pimples

 Simon wrote to his favorite author (Tom Angelburger of the Origami Yoda series) and got another reply! This is the second one. It looks like he and Simon are now pen pals.

Simon wanted to look like a Final Fantasy character so he made a helmet out of Lego bricks.

Simon was pretending to be an "old-timey gentleman" (his words). I got to hear gems like, "I must go to a fancy party where there's alcohol that I'm not allowed to drink yet, but I shall eat garlic croutons", and, "I'm a butler. I outrank you."
Simon: "Do you know what you can say to a ghost? "Are you flabby? Maybe you need exorcise". Get it?"
Simon farted (a LOT), then asked, "Does that mean I'm susceptible to dysentery?"

Simon: "Dentist people are so busy making sure everyone else takes care of their teeth, they might not have time to take care of their own! Maybe that's why they wear those masks. They serve a dual purpose. To keep out germs and to hide the irony of having their own bad teeth.
Me: "You and Ollie both look cute today. Sorry, Ollie's cute. You're handsome."
Simon: "It's okay if you say I'm cute. I'm still a kid, after all. When I'm a teenager, you have to say I'm handsome. Unless I have pimples."

Talent

Simon: "Do you know what to do in a war? You put a flag from every country up in front of your house, so everyone knows you're neutral."
Me: "But what if you think someone is in the wrong?"
Simon: "Then you don't put up that flag, and they bomb your house."
Me: "Yikes!"
Simon: "Hey, people do stupid things in wars."

Simon: "Did you know that Florida is Spain's hand-me-down? That's hilarious!'
Me: Who's the second President?"
Simon: "No idea."
Me: "John Adams."
Simon: "I was close."
How was he close?
Simon and I were playing video games and my character defeated his. He shouted, "Well, there's my come uppence!"
Me, wiping down Oliver's high chair tray: "Oliver's fascination with peanut butter is messy."
Simon: "Yes, his infestation of peanut butter is REALLY messy!"
Simon: "Do you know what talent you have that I love?"
Me: "What?"
Simon: "You can almost always understand me when I talk with my mouth full."

Potential Dust

Me: "Do you remember where we are in history? Remember the-?"
Simon: "Alarmo?"
Simon: "Seeing bugs gets my are-d-lin flowing."
Me: "Your what?"
Simon: "You know, that thing that makes your blood pump. Are-d-lin."
Me: "Adrenaline?"
Simon: "Whatever it is, I just don't like bugs."
After vacuuming, Simon said, " I'm going to go wash the potential dust off my fingers."
Simon: "Kids are afraid of the dark. Grown ups are afraid of taxes. It's weird, but that's how the world works."

Railrang

Simon told me he's a "geekasaurus".
Simon: "You know me so well, you know me better than I know myself. It's annoying."
Me: " Really? Why is it annoying?"
Simon: "How am I supposed to get to know myself if you know me better?"
Simon: "You know how people say baseball is America's pastime?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Well, nowadays I think it's yelling. I mean, they even yell in baseball!"
Simon says he wants to sell Jello on a stick to help earn money for a Lego set he wants. He also has a backup plan for when he runs out of Jello: he'll sell ice for five cents a cube.
Simon:"What did the worker at the trampoline factory say when someone asked if he liked his job?"
Me: "I don't know. What?"
Simon: "He said, "It has its ups and downs"."


I told Simon to clip his nails. He held up the nail clippers and dramatically said, "Tyranny! I curse the day these things were invented!"
Simon: "If you had to pick only one, what would you say my most charming character trait is?"
Me: "Charming? Well, I love how kind-hearted you are."
Simon: "Really? I thought you'd say my excellent hearing."
Simon: "I hate allergies! Why did God create them?"
Me: "I don't know. You'll have to ask Him when you see Him"
Simon: "I'm not dying just to ask Him that!"
Last night I learned that Simon thinks "railrang" is a word, and "railing" isn't. He didn't believe me when I told him. The situation grew quite heated: multiple dictionaries were consulted. He even paused in the middle of the game we were playing to look it up. Words are very important in our house.

Inappropriate Garments

Simon: "I'm having a cup o' Moe and you're having a cup o' Joe. Together, it makes Mojo, also known as moxie. Caffeine gives us our moxie."
He's decided that a mug of hot chocolate is a "cup o'Moe".
Simon is saving his allowance for a particular Lego set. He talks about it non-stop. Last night he said, "I'll do anything to get it. I'll even eat green beans while walking across hot coals! Well, the green beans might make me gag. I'll walk on coals, though!"
Simon: "Is that music coming from your phone because you're on hold?"
Me, sighing: "Yes."
Simon: "That is so cool!"
Simon: "Do you know what I do when I have a bad dream? I pretend it was a bad tv show and I change the channel."
Simon: "I think I need to learn to settle disputes in an orderly manner."
Simon came out of his room in his winter pj's this morning. He said, "Isn't it weird that I'm in these inappropriate garments?"
Then he wanted to know why I always use fancy words.

Chubby

Simon, listening to Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture: "This sounds like something the Animaniacs would write."
Simon: " That look is great on you!"
Me, still in pj's : Thank you. What "look"?"
Simon: "Tired."

Simon told me, " My mind is like an empty house for rent. People come in- those are my memories- then they look around and leave if they don't want to live there. Which most people- my memories- don't."

This was his excuse this morning for memorizing all the Pokemon names, then claiming his memory was too bad to answer any school-related questions.

Baby Einstein was on and the song "If You're Happy and You Know It" was playing with a bunch of different babies and toddlers doing the moves. Simon looked and said, "That baby doesn't look happy! He just looks chubby!"

Jedi Fuzzyhead

Simon is having a foam lightsaber "fight" with Oliver. It's caused some funny comments:

Simon, referencing the oft-criticized high ground comment in the Star Wars prequels (which he hasn't seen because I refuse to admit they're canon): "If having the high ground means you win, I'll always win. Sorry, Oliver, I have the high ground because I'm taller."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Simon: " Every time Oliver ducks, his hair floofs. He's Jedi Fuzzyhead!"


Simon: "Sorry, did I just look offended?"
Me: "A little."
Simon: " I wasn't. Well, I did accidentally fart at that moment."

Each year, Simon gets to have whatever meal he wants on his birthday. We asked him if he had any ideas for this year and he said, "I want to eat at the school cafeteria that's at the hospital!"

Simon said Aquaman is the king of the sea. I jokingly told him that it would be cooler if he was also the king of the Nile, or Lake Michigan, not just the sea. Simon told me, "Well, Aquaman could colonize!"

Simon: " A mom's heartbeat is soothing to some people until they're in their late thirties."

Simon: "Hey,Mom. Do you want to put so much makeup on your eyes that it looks like you've spilled paint on them?"
Me: "Why?"
Simon: " I don't know, but that magazine is advertising that much makeup."

Simon was musing at the zoo: "I wonder if lions ever bite their tongues."

Jeff's company was just bought out by a Mexican train company. The boss didn't tell anyone until after everyone saw it on the news. Jeff was explaining the merger to me and I said, "It's weird that they didn't tell you guys. It's like--"
Simon yelled from the backseat, "SURPRISE! We're Mexican!"

Emotional Roller Coaster

Simon is in fine form this morning.
Me: "I guess Oliver doesn't like jam."
Simon: "I bet he thinks it's rancid salsa."
I burst out laughing and he added: "I see I struck a nerve. Maybe even a ...funny bone? "

The "Twelve Days of Christmas " is playing in the background. Simon said, "Why don't those two get married already? Obviously, they love each other! I mean, they keep getting each other ridiculous gifts. Five golden rings? Come on! And what would you do with calling birds! ? I guess the rings are more practical if you get married and and you're accident prone and lose the other four rings."

Simon: "Why do I get the feeling you can do everything politely, even burp?"

Simon : "I wonder who put the alphabet in alphabetical order? You know, a...b...c..."

Yesterday I was musing to Jeff about the types of attractions Dolly World might have. Simon shouted, "Maybe there's an emotional roller coaster!"

He got his flu shot yesterday. Now, Simon is wandering around, rubbing his arm, and saying, "I hate that I got shot! "

I let Simon drink some hot chocolate. He took a few sips, then told me, "I noticed that I drink with my pinkie out. I believe I'm turning British. "
He said that last part with an atrocious attempt at an accent.

We took a trip to Target to pick up some things. Simon noticed some women's underwear that had a Star Wars design. He remarked that it was weird. Jeff said, "Why is it weird? You have had socks with Star Wars print before. "
Without missing a beat, Simon answered, "I don't think I'd want to feel the Force down THERE! "

Wedgie

"I wonder what sheep sound like when they burp."

"How do you make a wedgie? I understand the concept, but I don't know how to accomplish it. "

Simon: "Where is Dad?"
Me: "He's on his way to work."
Simon: "But what about that extra hour? "
Me: "Fallback happened yesterday, Buddy."
Simon: "Aw, but it should still be happening today! I should still get an extra hour with Dad!"

Simon: "Who's winning the votes? "
Me: "We don't know who has won yet, but Trump and Clinton are the ones to beat. "
Simon: "If you are old enough to vote, can you vote? I don't want them to win. Clinton is dishonest and Trump is too Trumpy. I mean, he's not very nice. And he's not trustworthy. And if he makes a wall, it probably won't be very strong because the workers won't build it strong since he won't be nice to them. And if Clinton wins, she might make a tax that takes my allowance! "

Simon: "When I'm grown-up and I make all my own food, do you know what I'm going to make? "
Me: "What? "
Simon: "Chip dust. "

Halloween 2016

The Day The Warranty Expired

Simon: "I want to make a movie called "The Day the Warranty Expired". The teaser on the cover will say ,"Does anyone have the courage to renew it? ", and it will be about some parents whose house is falling apart and the warranty is going to expire. They have to race to renew it. "

Simon: "If I can't get a job job when I grow up, I'll just host a game show called "You are Correct"."

Oliver was crying on the way home last night. Simon looked at him and yelled, "He's homesick! He looks homesick and depressed. "

Simon said, "I think the reason Oliver and I aren't the same age is if we were, we could only gabble at each other. Since I'm older, I can help with Oliver and make him smile. "

Simon just told me that he wants a mood ring so that he'll know when he's getting angry and he'll calm down.

After reading the back of his AWANA book, Simon yelled excitedly: "Mom! Did you know I can get scholars hip money? "
Me: "What? "
Simon: "Scholars hip money! Scholars hip! "
Me: "Oh. ..do you mean "scholarship?" money? "
Simon: "Yeah, whatever. What is that? "
Me: "It's money that gets put toward paying for college. "
Simon, sounding disappointed : "Oh. I thought someone was just going to give me money. "

Fried Calamari

Jeff asked Simon what he wanted for breakfast and Simon, grinning, answered, "Wallabies and black eye soup!"

Simon: "Who are you going to vote for? "
Me: "I don't know. I don't like any of the candidates. "
Simon: "Can I run? "
Me: "You're too young, buddy."
Simon: "What about you? You'd be a great president! "
Me: "Thanks. I wouldn't want to be, though. "
Simon: "But you'd be better at it than these other people! Jeesh! I know how to win an election : just be nice. "

Simon: "Why does all of Oliver's food smell putrid and disgusting? "

Earlier I was talking with Simon, holding Oliver, and making dinner at the same time. Simon, looking impressed, told me, "You have level three multitasking. "

Simon, talking to me about a toy that Oliver has with an ocean theme: "Man, I want to stick that thing in the oven! Fried calamari, anyone? Badum tish!"

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Simon asked, "What is that? "

I told Simon that I'm tired. He went into the kitchen and started rummaging through our refrigerator. I asked what he was doing and he answered, "I'm making you a latte."

Me: "Weird. Oliver likes his green beans tonight. "
Simon: "That's because he's delusional."

Simon tried to say "For Pete's sake" but instead he said, " For Green Peace sake!".

While at the grocery store, Simon saw a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He incredulously said, "If it's not butter, then what is it? "

Simon: "Technology makes people weak! I mean, what will happen when all technology stops working? People will just lie around all day, then they'll have to stand up to turn the TV on the old fashioned way! "
He said this like it was the worst thing ever.

Simon said, "My rule is, "Speak softly and carry a big Lego" ."

In the grocery section of the store, Simon asked, "What is red velvet? "
Jeff answered, "It's cake."
Simon said, "Oh. I thought it was velvet carpet. "

Yesterday Simon told me, "I love my stretchy shorts. They make my legs articulate. "

Bring Down a Deer

Simon was given a Nerf bow by his grandparents for his birthday. He excitedly yelled, "When I'm older, I might be able to bring down a deer with this!"

Simon: "Do you know what I don't like? Signs and words that use 'z' instead of 's'."
A kid after my own heart.

Talking about food we like, I told Simon that lamb is my favorite meat. He said, "I bet that's really expensive in England! It sounds fancy so I bet it's from somewhere mysterious, like England. And stuff is expensive there. "

Simon : "I'm really good at chess. I wonder how God is going to use that gift. "

Simon : "I'd like to apologize to you on my behalf."

Simon : "Do you know how most public schools have bullies? Well, our school only has one student and it's me. I'm not mean so I'm not a bully, which means there are no bullies, so we have the ultimate school."

Simon : "I require a pith helmet. "
Me: "Um...you know you don't have one, right? "
Simon: " We can make one. I hear they're doing some splendid things with fabric lately. "

Simon : "I'm so embarrassed! "
Me:" Why? "
Simon, after a pause : "I don't know. That is so embarrassing! "
Me: "So, you're embarrassed that you don't remember why you're embarrassed? "
Simon: "Yes."

Glitter

Simon : "Mom, if you're a nerd, then welcome to the club. "

Me: "Simon, I don't mean to stamp on your happy, but you can't possibly do a good job brushing your teeth if you're humming the "Imperial March"."
Simon : "I'm not humming the "Imperial March"! I'm singing "The Carol of the Bells"!"

Me: "Will you read to Oliver? "
Simon : :I don't read out loud in public. "
Me: "We aren't in public. We're in the privacy of our home. "
Simon : "I only read out loud in really private places, like the bathroom in an airplane. "

Simon : "Do I have the Hawaii flu? "
Me, taken aback : "What? "
Simon: "I read about it in Garfield. I have all the symptoms. It's pretty serious.

Learning about the German holiday St. Martin's Day, Simon said, "St. Martin ripped his cloak and gave it to a baker. That's random. "
I answered, "Buddy, you misread that. It says he gave it to a beggar."
Simon said, "Ah. That makes more sense. "

Aunt Amber  asked Simon if he likes being a big brother. He answered, "Ish. Okay. .I love it! "
If only she had seen the huge grin on his face.

I overheard Simon telling someone , "Once you learn how to read you will love it. "

Me: "Oliver has glitter on his head. Where did that come from? " Simon: "Maybe you accidentally ate some glitter when you were pregnant. You know, what you eat he eats when you're pregnant. "

Stress Eater

Simon: "Oli- Dad, I almost called you Oliver!"
Jeff, pretending to be offended: "Hey, I made Oliver!"
Simon, pointing to his stomach: "Actually, Mom did."
Jeff: "I helped! Oliver is part Mom and part me."
Simon: "Just like me! So, technically , I helped too."

Simon : "Mom, I saw a book in your room that would be great since we're learning about Germany! "
Me: "What book? "
Simon : "Irish Fairy and Folk Tales."

Jeff had been singing "The Wheels On The Bus" for quite a while, in an attempt to keep Oliver calm. After fifteen or so verses, he ran out of things on the bus, so he asked Simon to sing a verse. Simon promptly sang, "The Stan Lee on the bus says "Excelsior" all through the town"." He's definitely a nerd.

Simon, sounding exasperated : "It's hard to be the man of the hour if you have to go to bed at eight o'clock at night. "

Simon: "I want to squoosh Oliver's baby chub so badly!"

Simon just said, "To quote myself ". Ha ha ha!

Simon is Mr. Questions today. These are just a few: "Who was the first scientist", "Why do saltines have little holes in them?", "Will Oliver forget if I'm a bad example since he's so little? ", "Who invented the maze?", and my personal favorite, "Can Oliver fart so hard that he'll blow a hole in his pants? ".

Simon, looking at a book I have, asked, "Did you get this in 2014?"
When I answered that I possibly got it then ( I am not sure exactly since books tend to follow me home. At least, that's my excuse ), he excitedly said, "It's two years old! It's a relic!"

Simon : "Oliver is a stress eater. It's not healthy. "

Simon : "I can't believe you're playing peek-a-boo with Oliver! "
Me: "Why not? "
Simon : "Because it's so undignified! "

Simon : "I'm going to build a time machine, and go back in time to find the person that invented cleaning and let them have it."

Simon : "If I ever get a pet fish, the name "Sushi" comes to mind. "

Me: "Simon, stop hanging out on my bed in your underwear. You look like you're trying to be a Calvin Klein model."
Simon : "Is that a person who takes too many before and after selfies?"

Today Simon asked if there is a disease that makes your eyelashes grow too long. When I told him no, he paused, then said, "Good to know. "

Jango Bells

Simon,singing to the tune of "Jingle Bells": "Jango Bells, Jango Bells,Jango all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a Mandalorian sleigh!"

Simon went to a cousins gift exchange party. They had a real Christmas tree up, instead of an artificial one. Simon exclaimed, "Their tree is all-natural!"

Simon: "I don't like Frosty the Snowman! I'm happy he melted."

A Crump Christmas 2015