Simon: "I feel like I really need to build a penthouse."

Simon: "I would never want to be Superman. It must hurt to have lasers shoot out of your eyes."

Alkaseltzer

Simon: "What's Al-Qaida?"
Me: "It's a terrorist group."
Simon: "Oh. I thought it was that stuff you put in soda. Oh, wait- that's alkaseltzer."


Me: "Look at the flowers. Aren't they pretty?"
Simon: "And possibly deadly."
Only Simon.

Simon: "Why did they put classifieds in the paper? It's not classified if everyone knows about it!"

Simon informed me that he had testicular cancer in his stomach.

Me: "I wonder if I have a shortage of the vitamin that helps with memory. I think it might be B12. I was tested for that once, but it was quite a while ago."
Simon: "I bet you don't remember when. Ha!"

Curmudgeon

Simon: "I didn't really like the movie Coco."|
Me: "Really? Why not?"
Simon: "The ending is really emotional. I don't like movies that make me feel emotions!"

Simon: "What's the name of that old, big green playdough thing? Gumbo?"Simon: "Oliver is so grumpy, he doesn't just need sleep, he should PURSUE it."Simon: "The graphics on your phone are amazing!"
Me: "You know what? The graphics in real life are amazing."
Simon laughed so hard that he choked on his drink. I think I've found my target audience: kids think I'm hilarious.

Simon has started calling Ollie "Curmudgeon". I can't get mad because Jeff and I sometimes call him "Swamp Butt". Simon said, "I called Oliver "Teeny Bopper" like, five times in a row because I was cross with him."
He's 9 going on 60. And, apparently, he's British.


Simon: "My nose just started running for no reason. It was a spontaneous combustion!" 
Ew.

Pimples

 Simon wrote to his favorite author (Tom Angelburger of the Origami Yoda series) and got another reply! This is the second one. It looks like he and Simon are now pen pals.

Simon wanted to look like a Final Fantasy character so he made a helmet out of Lego bricks.

Simon was pretending to be an "old-timey gentleman" (his words). I got to hear gems like, "I must go to a fancy party where there's alcohol that I'm not allowed to drink yet, but I shall eat garlic croutons", and, "I'm a butler. I outrank you."
Simon: "Do you know what you can say to a ghost? "Are you flabby? Maybe you need exorcise". Get it?"
Simon farted (a LOT), then asked, "Does that mean I'm susceptible to dysentery?"

Simon: "Dentist people are so busy making sure everyone else takes care of their teeth, they might not have time to take care of their own! Maybe that's why they wear those masks. They serve a dual purpose. To keep out germs and to hide the irony of having their own bad teeth.
Me: "You and Ollie both look cute today. Sorry, Ollie's cute. You're handsome."
Simon: "It's okay if you say I'm cute. I'm still a kid, after all. When I'm a teenager, you have to say I'm handsome. Unless I have pimples."

Talent

Simon: "Do you know what to do in a war? You put a flag from every country up in front of your house, so everyone knows you're neutral."
Me: "But what if you think someone is in the wrong?"
Simon: "Then you don't put up that flag, and they bomb your house."
Me: "Yikes!"
Simon: "Hey, people do stupid things in wars."

Simon: "Did you know that Florida is Spain's hand-me-down? That's hilarious!'
Me: Who's the second President?"
Simon: "No idea."
Me: "John Adams."
Simon: "I was close."
How was he close?
Simon and I were playing video games and my character defeated his. He shouted, "Well, there's my come uppence!"
Me, wiping down Oliver's high chair tray: "Oliver's fascination with peanut butter is messy."
Simon: "Yes, his infestation of peanut butter is REALLY messy!"
Simon: "Do you know what talent you have that I love?"
Me: "What?"
Simon: "You can almost always understand me when I talk with my mouth full."

Potential Dust

Me: "Do you remember where we are in history? Remember the-?"
Simon: "Alarmo?"
Simon: "Seeing bugs gets my are-d-lin flowing."
Me: "Your what?"
Simon: "You know, that thing that makes your blood pump. Are-d-lin."
Me: "Adrenaline?"
Simon: "Whatever it is, I just don't like bugs."
After vacuuming, Simon said, " I'm going to go wash the potential dust off my fingers."
Simon: "Kids are afraid of the dark. Grown ups are afraid of taxes. It's weird, but that's how the world works."

Railrang

Simon told me he's a "geekasaurus".
Simon: "You know me so well, you know me better than I know myself. It's annoying."
Me: " Really? Why is it annoying?"
Simon: "How am I supposed to get to know myself if you know me better?"
Simon: "You know how people say baseball is America's pastime?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Well, nowadays I think it's yelling. I mean, they even yell in baseball!"
Simon says he wants to sell Jello on a stick to help earn money for a Lego set he wants. He also has a backup plan for when he runs out of Jello: he'll sell ice for five cents a cube.
Simon:"What did the worker at the trampoline factory say when someone asked if he liked his job?"
Me: "I don't know. What?"
Simon: "He said, "It has its ups and downs"."


I told Simon to clip his nails. He held up the nail clippers and dramatically said, "Tyranny! I curse the day these things were invented!"
Simon: "If you had to pick only one, what would you say my most charming character trait is?"
Me: "Charming? Well, I love how kind-hearted you are."
Simon: "Really? I thought you'd say my excellent hearing."
Simon: "I hate allergies! Why did God create them?"
Me: "I don't know. You'll have to ask Him when you see Him"
Simon: "I'm not dying just to ask Him that!"
Last night I learned that Simon thinks "railrang" is a word, and "railing" isn't. He didn't believe me when I told him. The situation grew quite heated: multiple dictionaries were consulted. He even paused in the middle of the game we were playing to look it up. Words are very important in our house.