Italy

Simon: "Where did T used to live?"
Me: "Italy."
Simon: "Oh! That's why he can speak french!"

Me: "I'm going to close the blinds. It's getting really hot in here."
Simon: "Why don't you take your shirt off?"
Me: "I can't. It's inappropriate for females to take their shirts off in public."
Simon: "I reject that! It isn't fair. Ladies get hot too."

Simon: "What's the name of the story about the person that's blocked from his heart's desire?"
Me: "There are lots of stories about that. I need more to go on, buddy."
Simon: "Like me. I'm blocked off from my heart's desire, which is origami."
He's grounded from origami for the week.

Watching a Capital One credit card commercial, Simon asked, "Why do they always want to know what's in my wallet?"

Texas Hold-em

Jeff and Simon were playing Uno. I heard Simon ask Jeff if he knew any card games. Jeff said he would teach Simon fifty-two card pickup. Simon asked, "Can you teach me Texas Hold-'em?"
Jeff answered, "Maybe."
Simon queried, "Do we play for our lunch money?"

Simon when we told him to get ready for bed: "Hey, hey, ho, ho! This here kid just won't go!"


Simon is going as Captain America for Halloween. I must say, he's pretty darn cute.

I told Simon a joke.He immediately said, "Ha ha ha! That's a crude joke!"
I answered, "That joke wasn't crude!"
Simon asked, "Oh. What does "crude" mean?"
I told him that a crude joke is usually one involving toilet humor. He laughed and said, "Those are only for little kids!"

Simon: "Does it hurt to pull a  muscle in your foot?"
Me: "Yup. Why do you ask?"
Simon: "I'm going to walk with cloven hooves so that I pull a muscle."
Huh?

Star Wars Origami Enterprises

Simon, playing Lego Batman with his friend: "Come on! Eat my thunder!"

Simon: "Maybe when I grow up I'm going to use lots of money to go to college. Then I'm going to buy a jet pack so I can go work with Dad."

I gave Simon a worksheet to practice writing numbers in Spanish. He worked quietly for a minute, then he said, "Wait a minute! This is a kindergarten worksheet! I'm a first grader! This is insulting to me!"

Simon: "Did you see me going in reverse around the table [with the string]? Tim was going crazy! That's reverse psychology for ya."

Simon has a new favorite phrase: "Au contrair, Mom-air."

Simon: "I'm CEO of Star Wars Origami Enterprises. Incorporated."

Pep in Your Step

Simon: "I like sky-fi books now."
Me: "I like those too, but it's actually pronounced sci-fi."
Simon: "I bet I know what it's short for: sai fight. You know, like those weapons in Japan?"

Simon: "Are you okay? You seem a little out of it."
Me: "I'm okay, just tired."
Simon: "You should get some coffee. It puts pep in your step."

Simon: "I am more of a cat person than a dog person. Cats are more mature. It's the truth."

Simon: "Can I make my own breakfast?"
Me: "Sure!"
Simon: "Do you have any prunes?"
Simon wanted to make a prune, cheese, and mayonnaise sandwich.

Simon was finally brave enough to touch the sting rays at the zoo today. He gasped excitedly when the first one flapped over his hand and said, "It made contact!"
The way he said it made me think of alien movies.

Ominous

Simon: "Rollos are little caramel presents from planet Yum."

The way Simon throws a football is to strike what he assumes is a sports pose, then say, "Go long. I'm going to belt it!"

Simon is doodling all over a piece of paper. He just held it up and asked, "What do you think of my new ominous logo?"

Simon: "You went silly. That's kind of like going crazy. It's another way of saying you went bad, like a banana. I'm joking!"
Simon tripped over the sleeping cat. He got up and said, "Mo-om, Tim tripped me!"
I answered that I didn't think he meant to, and Simon said, "Yes, he did. He's trying to look all innocent [pronounced inn-o-kent], but I have him figured out. Well? Are you going to put him on timeout?"

Simon has started saying "unconstance" when he means "unconscious". He uses that word a lot.

Myths

Simon, while reading a book about myths at the bookstore, yelled, "Mom! I don't have to poop everyday to be healthy! That's a myth! I can just hold it in! Ha!"
There were two people nearby who were cracking up.

We went on a mother and son date. We went to the mall, rode the escalators, danced to store Musak, and ate in the food court. Simon insisted on giving me half of his cookie because "That's what you do on dates."

Simon: "I know my job in taking care of Skippy: I'm the tattletale."

Yesterday, Simon said, "I know a lot about stuff, but I don't know everything. Like really complicated math. I don't know what x is. If you turn it sideways, it kind of looks like a plus sign. So, maybe x is plus."

Catcher in the Rye

Simon: "Is Catcher in the Rye about baseball?"
Jeff: "No. It's kind of about a guy discovering who he is."
Simon: "Oh. Who is he?"

Simon: "Mom, I have bad news: gatorade is expensive now. It's 88 cents at CVS."

Simon (doing pushups): "401, 402...I skipped some numbers."
Me: "Yeah, why did you do that?"
Simon: "It's more gratifying that way."

After our circus trip tonight, Simon said, "Dad, I'm too tired to walk up the stairs. Will you carry me?"
When Jeff told him he would, Simon happily said, "You've always got my back."