Contracticals

Simon made me a bracelet out of the treads from a Lego tire.

Simon: "Can today be Crazy Hair Day? I mean, we are learning about Einstein. "
Of all his excuses to not brush his hair, this is one of the more creative ones.

Simon was rubbing my stomach yesterday, and talking to Oliver. All of a sudden, he stopped and kind of gently poked my stomach. He explained that he couldn't rub my stomach too much or it might catch on fire. Silly boy!

Simon: "I've got the hiccups, you're pregnant. .. we're all broken. "

Simon: "I want to homeschool through college. Is that allowed? I just like homeschool better. It's fun. Plus, cafeteria food is terrible. It tastes like airline food."
Me: "You've never eaten airline food! "
Simon: "I know, but I heard it's terrible. "

Simon: "Was I destined to be a thinker? "

Simon: "My new thing is saying "Whatev" instead of "whatever"."
Me: "Where did you get that? "
Simon: "Nowhere. I'm just lazy. It's my thing. "
Well, that's going to drive me nuts.

Simon: "Is Oliver giving you more contracticals?"

Yesterday Jeff was playing Legos with Simon. Simon asked if Jeff liked his creation. When Jeff said yes, Simon said, "Good! Your approval is what I was going for. "

Burning Daylight

Simon: "I think one kid is more than enough!"
Me (thinking he's having a hard time with being a sibling): "You're going to love your brother."
Simon: "Not that. I mean, one kid is enough because kids are a handful. I'm a handful. I mean, I want another burger..."

Simon: "I'm full. "
Me, looking up and seeing that he's eaten two bites: "No. You need to eat more than that. "
Simon: "But I ate a lot yesterday! "

Simon: "Come on, Mom! We're burning daylight here! "

Simon: "I think selling indulgences was the first scam."

The Baby Whisperer

Simon is talking about a possible play date with a girl his age. It resulted in this conversation: "Wow, I better change my socks and brush my hair! I don't want her to think that I'm Mr. Dirty or something."
You'd think he'd do those things anyway, but apparently not.

Simon: "I want to go to a flea market and find a really cool Lego set. Or some mac and cheese. "

Simon: "I like to suck the juice out of my orange and swirl it in my mouth. Do you like to do that? "
Me: "I just like to bite the orange and eat it that way. "
Simon: "Ah, the simple, domestic method. "

Simon just called me Miss Jodie. I looked at him and said, "Uh, Simon, you can call me Mom."
He gave me an embarrassed smile and said, "Oops. I just got used to everyone calling you that. "

Yesterday I told Simon I was hot and sweaty. He looked at me in amazement and said, "I didn't know girls sweat! "

Simon talked to my stomach (well, the baby inside) and Little Nugget woke up and started kicking. Jeff told Simon that he can get Oliver to wake up and that he must like the sound of his voice. Simon asked, "So, I'm like the Baby Whisperer?"

Last night Simon was chattering away to a worker at his archery club. He said, "I like Boba Fett because of his rogue personality." He used air quotes around the word "rogue". Funny boy.

Simon hit his head very hard, so I was checking in to make sure he was still doing okay.
Me: "How are you doing? Do you have a headache or a stomachache? "
Simon: "No. Why? "
Me: "Just checking on you. "
Simon, happily: "I love it when you fuss over me! "

Simon helping Dad mow the lawn for the very first time. He loves it!

I told Simon to be careful because his food was hot. He arched a brow at me (I'm so jealous that he can do that! ) and said, "Ooh, the stakes are high. "

Simon: "I'll bet you a thousand. Then you say, "I'll see you and raise you a hot dog". Does that make sense? I don't know how to play poker."
This little monologue came out of nowhere.

Simon, looking at his toothbrush: "Huh. That's odd."
Me: "What? "
Simon: "All my toothbrushes are made in China, except this one. This one came from Bangladesh. "

Spin the Bottle

Simon: "Tim scared the good mood out of Scamps."
Me, laughing: "Really?"
Simon: "I didn't want to say c-r-u-d."

Simon: "I'm really picky."
Me: "Yes, you are. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's. .."
Simon: "Remarkable? "
Jeff: "Sure. Let's go with 'remarkable'."

We bought Simon a cookie from Chick-fil-A today. He read the ingredients list, saw that it contained soy and wheat, and refused to eat it, thinking that it would taste like a plant.

Simon: "I just want to be famous!"
Me: "What do you want to be famous for?"
Simon: "For being in a coloring book."
The crayola website has an option to put your picture in a coloring book. I didn't know that could make a person famous.

Simon: "I'm sorry! This episode [of his show] has a lot of flashing lights. Is your apple-epsy okay?"

We were in the car and Simon asked, "Do you smell anything? "
Jeff said, "I think it's just stale air, buddy. "
Simon answered, "I was asking because I farted and I wanted to know if you smelled it. "
Jeff laughed and said, "Whoever smelt it dealt it. "
Simon said, "Ohhh, I SMELT it! "

So, this just happened:
While praying at bedtime tonight, Simon started out: "Dear God, please forgive me-"
Then he stopped and said, "What?"
Jeff replied, "You can ask for forgiveness."
Simon answered,"I just didn't know what I was saying."
Then he started laughing. He eventually stopped and stared at Jeff bemusedly. Then he said, almost in a hushed tone, "My mind's gone blank!"
Needless to say, Jeff wound up praying.

Simon: "Aw, man! I have to stand up. Standing up is a hard task!"

Simon: "I'm scared of heights! I think it's because of when I was little and Dad accidentally threw me too high and I hit the ceiling."
Jeff, indignantly: "Hey! The ceiling was lower in the hall than in the living room. It's not my fault!"
Simon: "Bwahaha!"

Poor Simon! He's on the tail end (I hope!) of a cold and couldn't sleep last night because of the coughing and drainage. It was heartbreaking listening to him sob, "I hate this whole sequence of events!", (even when he's upset, he still talks like a little old man).

This rather disturbing conversation took place last night
Simon: "Can I play Spin the Bottle? "
Me: "You're not old enough for that. "
Simon: "Oh. What is it?"
Jeff: "It's a game where you spin a bottle and you kiss the person it points at. Do you want to smooch a bunch of people? "
Simon, waggling his eyebrows: "Maybe one person. "

Simon: "Judging by how picky he is, and how much he kicks you, I think Little Nugget will throw fits a lot."

Simon: "If I could go to any time, I'd go to the future so I can laugh at myself if I'm wearing argyle socks. "

Simon, sounding panicked: "My shirt doesn't fit at all! I could barely get my arm in. I think I need a size fourteen! "

Mosey

We headed home pretty late last night. I told Simon that he would have to get ready for bed quickly, so he could get some sleep. He said, "I'll try, but I'm really tired. If I mosey, is it my fault? "

We took Simon to a movie with some friends. He discovered that we were planning on sneaking in some candy. He was very worried that he'd get caught and get in trouble. As we were handing our tickets to the employee and heading to our seats, Simon yelled, "I hope we don't get in trouble for sneaking in candy!"
Either the employee was deaf, or he didn't get paid enough to care.

The movie we saw was Pixar's Inside Out. Simon didn't like it, saying it was "too emotional". I told him that the movie was trying to say that it's okay to be sad and he said, "I don't like movies that tell me how to live my life."

We went to my mom and step-dad's house for the Fourth of July. We ate dinner on their enclosed porch. Simon really loved the chips. He went inside for a minute, then came back and confessed, "I took a chip when I was walking by. I ate under the counter so I was below your line of sight and you wouldn't catch me."
Then he went back inside. We figured he was going to try to sneak another chip, so we made a point to looking at him through the window. Simon walked over to the window and shut all the blinds. Then he locked the door. Rich had his key with him and unlocked the door, and Jeff disciplined Simon for locking us out. I couldn't help: I stayed outside, laughing.

Top Notch

Simon: "Keep God number one on your Life List."

Simon: "I built a haunted castle! Actually, it's not really haunted because I don't want anything too ghastly. I don't want to scare myself, or you."

Simon was playing at a friend's house. I reminded him that he was supposed to be helping to clean up (there was obviously no cleaning going on), and I heard a little voice in the next room say, "Uh oh. She can tell we aren't cleaning. "
I'm not one hundred percent sure whose son it was that said it, but it was pretty funny.

Simon: "Knock, knock."
Me: "Who's there? "
Simon: "Police. "
Me: "Police who? "
Simon: "Policed to meet you. " Pauses for a minute: "I don't get it. "

Simon, looking at my stomach: "I think Oliver is getting pretty bored in there."

Simon, on the subject of whale crackers: "These are top notch."

Simon: "I have about a million Legos, figuratively."
I love that he felt the urge to add that word!

Simon, looking up from the book he was reading in the car: "Wow, Dad! I thought we were still in the apartment! Either you're a great driver, or you really put the metal to the pedal!"

While eating dinner with friends: "Sometimes Mom says snakes are poisonous, instead of saying "venomous". It's really annoying. No offense. "

Mind of a Tiger

Simon: "I have the mind of a tiger and the stealth of a panther. Why else would I go crazy at night sometimes and mess up my bed? Mind of a tiger, man. "

Simon, trying to figure out why he hasn't had an answer to the fan letter he wrote to his favorite author: "Maybe he's gone and he's not coming back. As in d-e-a-d."
Me: "I really doubt he's dead. Usually when a famous author passes away, you hear about it on the news. "
Simon: "Maybe he lost his pencil! "

Simon: "I just invented a new food. Ready? It's a waffle with syrup and vanilla ice cream on it, all rolled up."

Simon: "Hey, Mom?"
Me: "Yeah, buddy?"
Simon: "I'm glad you're my mom."
Me: "Well, I'm glad you're my son."
Simon: "I'm glad Dad is my dad."
Me: "I'm glad he is too."
Simon: "Can I have another kiss goodnight? The last one didn't take."

Simon was coloring a conquistador mask for history. He said that "nothing says "bold" like periwinkle." I bet he's the first ever periwinkle conquistador.