How to Discipline a Baby

We were talking with Simon today about learning to change diapers and help with the baby. I told him that if he learned how to take really good care of babies, he could babysit when he was older to earn a little money. He said, "I'll just let the baby crawl on the floor, and squirt it with a water bottle if it misbehaves."
Um...you don't discipline a baby the way you discipline a cat, buddy.

Simon: "I think the reason we can't see God is so we don't wake up in the middle of the night, see Him sitting there, and get startled. "

Simon: "Mom, guess what? When I walk toward Scamps, she doesn't recoil in horror anymore! "
Me: "Did she ever do that? "
Simon, laughing: "Oh, yes. "

Simon: "Is lunch making you sick?"
Me: "Not so far."
Simon: "The baby found some food he likes? Yay!"

Simon: "Did you know that God contacts prophets using dreams? He doesn't text them! Ha ha ha!"

Big Trouble

Simon: " I have to admit, Dad is the best dad. "
Simon: "I think Tim is sending me a mental message."
Me: "Really? What is he saying?"
Simon, looking at me like I've just asked the most ridiculous question imaginable: "Mom, I'm human. I don't speak Cat."

Simon is already coming up with April Fools Day pranks to play on Jeff. As of right now, he wants to put sugar in Jeff's coffee, instead of salt, and put a lid on his coffee so it's harder to drink. I don't think Jeff was aware that he usually puts salt in his coffee.

Simon: "The next time Tim gets on the counter, he's in trouble. Big trouble. And I'm bringing it to him. "

Walking into Babies R Us with us today, Simon said, "This place is irking me. See how my eye is twitching? "
Then he quickly blinked his eye a bunch of times.

I was talking with Jeff about his school, and how he's close to graduating with his Bachelor's degree. Simon heard and said, "Wow! It sounds like Dad is, like, in fifth grade!"

Simon, talking about going on Kid Jeopardy: "I hope the prize is something good, like a Lego set, not just something useless, like money."

Simon Reacts to Learning He's Going to Be a Big Brother

Me: "So, there's a very important thing we want to talk to you about."
Simon: "Okay."
Me: "Today I took a test, and it says I'm going to have a baby. You're going to be a big brother."
Simon: "Really?"
Me:"Yeah. What do you think? Do you think that's good?"
Simon: "Uh...as long as it grows up in about one or two days."
Me: "Well, it'll be a baby for a while."
Simon: "Okay. I can handle that. Just, can you put the baby gate near my Lego table so he can't get through?"
Me: "We will figure all that out. But you're going to be a big brother!"
Simon, weakly: "Yay. Then I can teach him all about Star Wars and the best dueling moves in Star Wars, like the backwards lightsaber move. Do you know about Osoka from Star Wars? Well, she always holds her lightsaber backwards. And she always does the first move like this [swings arm]. Yeah. I'm going to teach him that move. It's an awesome move."
Me: "Okay. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl yet."
Simon: " If I have a sister, I hope that when she grows up, she'll look pretty good."
Me: "What about if you have a brother?"
Simon: "I'm guessing he'll be a big Star Wars fan when I- I mean he- grows up. Because I'll teach him everything about Star Wars and Legos. First time I go to the library, I'll get all the books about Legos, so he can learn all about it.  If it's a girl, we need to get her her own separate room of Lego Friends stuff because Lego Friends is like the new Lego stuff for girls. "
Me: "So, it's important that your new brother or sister likes Legos?"
Simon: "Yeah. Excuse me, I hate the company Lego Friends. But regular Legos: love it. I just don't like Lego Friends because it isn't Legos, man. Right? It just doesn't look like it. "
Me: "Do you have anything else you want to ask us or tell us?"
Simon: "Yup. Uh, can you make sure some of the Star Wars movies aren't too scary before I tell him all about Star Wars?"
Me: "Yes."
Simon: "Thanks. Now back to building Legos."
Jeff, laughing: "I guess that's that."

Later on:
Simon: "I need a baby-to-English translator."

Shake, Be Paranoid

Simon, talking to our cat: "Scamps, you amaze me. And by amaze me, I mean you make me want to laugh. "

Simon has a little journal filled with questions he can answer (I suspect that it's intended for older children), like "What's your favorite school subject?", and such whatnot. One of the questions is, "What celebrity are you like?", which is a weird question anyway. Simon asked me if I would help him spell his answer which was, "Paul Cumberbatch. You know, the Sherlock guy."

Simon heard the song "Shake, Rattle, and Roll" at the end of the movie Clue. He said the song should be named "Shake, Be Paranoid" since all the characters in the movie are paranoid.

Simon: "We need to train Tim to be an attack cat."
Me: "Why? What do you want him to attack."
Simon: "Bandits."
Me: "You think there are a lot of bandits around here?"
Simon: "Well, he could protect other people too. Better safe than sorry."

Mario World

Upon learning that Prince John raised taxes, Simon said, "He didn't even sell lemonade or have a bake sale? Come on!"

Simon's prayer tonight: "Dear God, Thank you that I got to play Mario World! Please don't make me eat green beans again. Thanks!"

Simon: "I created a new style of art. It's called "Funky". We better tell the art news people."

Simon: "Mom, I need a locker."
Me: "What would you put in it?"
Simon, smirking: "Wouldn't you like to know?"

Me: "Simon, do you remember who encouraged the crusades to start?"
Simon: "The head honcho?"
The answer I was looking for was "the Pope".

Simon: "I'm not that good with electronics. There. I finally admitted it."

Medieval Fair

Jeff and Simon waiting for the joust to start.

Sir Marcus, the knight our side was cheering for.

How Simon reacted when his favorite knight was unhorsed.

In between the standing people is an orc. I laughed so hard.

Throwing stars!

Simon rode a horse!

He hit the target two out of three times and had a cheering squad.

Certificate of bravery in battle

Simon fenced against a brave opponent. His opponent allowed him to win. It was sweet.

Sir Simon of the Emerald Hills!

Help Me!

Simon decided to have fun writing in fog on the car window. He wrote backwards, so it looked right from the outside. His message: Help me. I'm surprised we weren't pulled over by a cop thinking we'd kidnapped a random child.

Simon: "Dad, that is nacho shirt!"
Jeff: "Well, if it's not my shirt, whose is it?"
Simon: "Do you want to taco 'bout it?"

Simon: "I'm not the sharpest sock in the drawer."